Friday, November 30, 2007
Spe Salvi
On Christian Hope. That's the title of the new encyclical by Pope Benedict XVI, the full text of which can be found here. The title strikes me as incredibly relevant to what I am going through right now, leaving me really excited about reading through it. I'm hoping to do so over the coming weeks, perhaps offering some thoughts along the way. I'd really love it if others out there would also be interested in reading along, perhaps commenting on my comments (in the comments section of this blog). It prints out at some 28 pages of text and sources, making it short enough to read through, then go back and pick it apart. Thoughts? Who's in? We'll say first post to come next weekend (December 8 or 9).
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
There are doctors, and then...
...and then there are doctors who also are scientists. At the current time, I am thankful to have such a one as this on my team right now in Dr. Mulcahy. The difference, as I see it, is that the scientist is much more willing to think outside the "standard book of treatments", to try things that maybe haven't been tried before if there's a chance they might work to either improve the quality or quantity of my life.
So, mom and I went downtown today to visit with Dr. Mulcahy, and to discuss what options are available given the state of things. The first bit of news, I suppose, is that we will not change our current track. I have had the one treatment of carboplatin/taxol, and have seen some very priliminary "results" in the slight reduction of my pain and softening of my near-surface tumors. If a later CT scan (to be scheduled for sometime after my next treatment) shows that this chemotherapy continues to work everywhere outside the liver, we will go ahead and consider options such as the Theraspheres (discussed in previous posts) for treatment inside the liver.
The second bit of news is that, as Dr. Mulcahy says, there are always other chemo options. It simply depends on how far off the beaten track one is willing to go. The thing is, there's not much of a "beaten track" where appendix cancer is concerned, it being so very rare. But there are several drugs that we might consider trying, should the carboplatin/taxol combo begin to fail us. And perhaps, these drugs might work in the liver...though for the moment, we will probably try and continue the current track, as something that appears more likely to produce results.
What's more, Dr. Mulcahy has good things to say about the program at Vanderbilt, just 3 hours from my home in Knoxville. They have a very active program in clinical trials, which may be an option in the very near future. One interesting thing she had to say is that there may be ways to get on a trial targeted for another cancer, if I can make some sort of "humanitarian use" case. This is to say, if there are colon cancer trials out there that we think promising for my appendix cancer, we might be able to write the producer of the drug, and see if they might approve of its one-time use on something other than colon cancer. To get to that stage, though, I have to get myself into the system at Vanderbilt, a process I expect to begin next week.
So, mom and I went downtown today to visit with Dr. Mulcahy, and to discuss what options are available given the state of things. The first bit of news, I suppose, is that we will not change our current track. I have had the one treatment of carboplatin/taxol, and have seen some very priliminary "results" in the slight reduction of my pain and softening of my near-surface tumors. If a later CT scan (to be scheduled for sometime after my next treatment) shows that this chemotherapy continues to work everywhere outside the liver, we will go ahead and consider options such as the Theraspheres (discussed in previous posts) for treatment inside the liver.
The second bit of news is that, as Dr. Mulcahy says, there are always other chemo options. It simply depends on how far off the beaten track one is willing to go. The thing is, there's not much of a "beaten track" where appendix cancer is concerned, it being so very rare. But there are several drugs that we might consider trying, should the carboplatin/taxol combo begin to fail us. And perhaps, these drugs might work in the liver...though for the moment, we will probably try and continue the current track, as something that appears more likely to produce results.
What's more, Dr. Mulcahy has good things to say about the program at Vanderbilt, just 3 hours from my home in Knoxville. They have a very active program in clinical trials, which may be an option in the very near future. One interesting thing she had to say is that there may be ways to get on a trial targeted for another cancer, if I can make some sort of "humanitarian use" case. This is to say, if there are colon cancer trials out there that we think promising for my appendix cancer, we might be able to write the producer of the drug, and see if they might approve of its one-time use on something other than colon cancer. To get to that stage, though, I have to get myself into the system at Vanderbilt, a process I expect to begin next week.
Fantasy football!
Another rough week for our beloved fantasy football programs. Rodent Passion finds themselves, after a promising 4 - 0 start, on the verge of being eliminated from the play-offs...the longest of long shots, facing our league's most formidable line-up (the powerful Man Boobs) while in a 4-way tie for the final play-off spot (behind in every conceivable tie-breaker). This after a difficult loss to Lucky 1, 92 - 83, that could have been a victory with a few reasonable line-up alterations. Ah, but that's the trick. We must live with the decisions we make, and to second guess is a road to ruin. So while facing elimination, we look forward to next season's opening draft, and the possibility that Arkansas' electric tail-back Darren McFadden could be the new work-horse for a resurgent Rodent Passion.
Monkey Knife Fight also found themselves on the losing end, this time by a 151 - 119 decision to a resurgent Distorted View. Optimism reigns in the land of the angry monkeys, however, as we remain in strong play-off position, with a very good chance at coming home in the money this year.
Monkey Knife Fight also found themselves on the losing end, this time by a 151 - 119 decision to a resurgent Distorted View. Optimism reigns in the land of the angry monkeys, however, as we remain in strong play-off position, with a very good chance at coming home in the money this year.
Monday, November 26, 2007
It's not perfect, but it's good
Happy Thanksgiving, and greetings from the family homestead outside Chicago. Coming home is a wonderful thing, especially after the last month plus of being home alone not working. I'm feeling renewed -- in part from finally feeling some benefits from the radiation and chemo, in part from being among family and friends. One cannot underestimate the power of friendship for boosting the spirits and increasing one's joy for life.
I am reminded of that book on heaven I'd been reading, and some of the discussion/comments from before. Whatever else heaven is like, it is to be that place where every desire is satisfied, every pain quenched. Home is as near an approximation as I have in this life, and to have such an approximation leaves me feeling especially thankful today. I am convinced that our greatest desires are relational, that we are made to know and be known, to love and be loved. It is here where I am most known and loved, where I in turn know and love, more than anywhere else on earth. While anticipating heaven (perhaps soon, but not yet!) it is nice to know I have such a retreat.
A quick update, while I have your attention: I am feeling good, like I mentioned. I'd mentioned in a previous post that I was finally feeling some relief from my pain, thanks to the radiation treatment. Ten days after my first round of chemo, I can say (with some confidence, if not full confidence) that it is working again to reduce my pain still more. In what is now a pleasant surprise that should not be a surprise, I find that one week after resuming this chemo I feel better than I did before receiving the treatment in the first place. It always comes as a surprise, because of course the chemo leaves me feeling especially bad for a good seven days, before the side effects quite suddenly subside, leaving me, as I say, even better than I'd been before starting.
I see Dr. Mulcahy on Wednesday, and it will be nice to be armed with some preliminary, if qualitative, "results" from having resumed chemo. As I've mentioned, I hope to speak with her about, among other things, the so-called Theraspheres treatment. Researching the Theraspheres this morning, I stumbled upon a little video here. Presents a nice summary of what the treatment is like, better than I could put into words, or than you might get from reading their web page. The emphasis in the video (and on the web page) seems to be on cancers originating in the liver, but I have been told that the treatment also works on metastatic disease from other places. They also mention that up to 25% of folks receiving the treatment experience a significant tumor response. The odds may not be that great, but I think I'm due for a break. Here's to hope -- for this life, and the next.
I am reminded of that book on heaven I'd been reading, and some of the discussion/comments from before. Whatever else heaven is like, it is to be that place where every desire is satisfied, every pain quenched. Home is as near an approximation as I have in this life, and to have such an approximation leaves me feeling especially thankful today. I am convinced that our greatest desires are relational, that we are made to know and be known, to love and be loved. It is here where I am most known and loved, where I in turn know and love, more than anywhere else on earth. While anticipating heaven (perhaps soon, but not yet!) it is nice to know I have such a retreat.
A quick update, while I have your attention: I am feeling good, like I mentioned. I'd mentioned in a previous post that I was finally feeling some relief from my pain, thanks to the radiation treatment. Ten days after my first round of chemo, I can say (with some confidence, if not full confidence) that it is working again to reduce my pain still more. In what is now a pleasant surprise that should not be a surprise, I find that one week after resuming this chemo I feel better than I did before receiving the treatment in the first place. It always comes as a surprise, because of course the chemo leaves me feeling especially bad for a good seven days, before the side effects quite suddenly subside, leaving me, as I say, even better than I'd been before starting.
I see Dr. Mulcahy on Wednesday, and it will be nice to be armed with some preliminary, if qualitative, "results" from having resumed chemo. As I've mentioned, I hope to speak with her about, among other things, the so-called Theraspheres treatment. Researching the Theraspheres this morning, I stumbled upon a little video here. Presents a nice summary of what the treatment is like, better than I could put into words, or than you might get from reading their web page. The emphasis in the video (and on the web page) seems to be on cancers originating in the liver, but I have been told that the treatment also works on metastatic disease from other places. They also mention that up to 25% of folks receiving the treatment experience a significant tumor response. The odds may not be that great, but I think I'm due for a break. Here's to hope -- for this life, and the next.
Prayer of the day
May all transitory things, O Lord,
be worthless to me
and may all things eternal
be ever cherished by me.
May any joy without You
be burdensome for me
and may I not desire anything else
besides You.
Continuing the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas, For Ordering a Life Wisely, last installment here.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
A modest update, 11/20/2007
There's not a lot to say in this week's update. We did finish our radiation treatments, the last one coming on Monday. I suppose there is this to say: in the end, there were some modest signs that the radiation had a positive effect on my tumors. I have significantly increased motion in my left leg/hip, and there does seem to be slight improvement in my pain in the lower back. However, the pain in my side has been increasing as we have not treated it, and my overall pain level remains around the same.
I began chemo last Thursday, with the carboplatin/taxol combo. The effects are as I remember them -- I feel a bit queezy for several days following the treatment, and a bit tired, but am pulling out of that now. In the past, I have felt near-immediate (within a couple weeks) positive effect on my pain levels and tumors near the surface. Still nothing to report, but I will post as soon as I notice anything.
One curious thing with this most recent treatment...a reminder that the insurance company is hardly my friend. I ended up receiving my treatment at the hospital rather than at the oncology clinic. This because, for reasons beyond me, the insurance company was unwilling to pay the rates for the drugs available to the oncology clinic, while they had no problem paying the rates at the hospital. Part of the reason for this is that this combo (in spite of its success in treating my cancer) is not listed on the insurance company's list of "approved" regimens. I had brief concerns that they were going to refuse the treatment altogether, but thankfully this did not happen. I fear the day that the insurance company does refuse me treatment...my cancer being fairly rare, and the list of "approved" treatments likely small, slowly varying, with little room for modification on behalf of my doctors...it seems a reasonable fear. And yet, there's nothing to be done about it, so while I will be aware of the possibility, I will not let it bring me down.
I began chemo last Thursday, with the carboplatin/taxol combo. The effects are as I remember them -- I feel a bit queezy for several days following the treatment, and a bit tired, but am pulling out of that now. In the past, I have felt near-immediate (within a couple weeks) positive effect on my pain levels and tumors near the surface. Still nothing to report, but I will post as soon as I notice anything.
One curious thing with this most recent treatment...a reminder that the insurance company is hardly my friend. I ended up receiving my treatment at the hospital rather than at the oncology clinic. This because, for reasons beyond me, the insurance company was unwilling to pay the rates for the drugs available to the oncology clinic, while they had no problem paying the rates at the hospital. Part of the reason for this is that this combo (in spite of its success in treating my cancer) is not listed on the insurance company's list of "approved" regimens. I had brief concerns that they were going to refuse the treatment altogether, but thankfully this did not happen. I fear the day that the insurance company does refuse me treatment...my cancer being fairly rare, and the list of "approved" treatments likely small, slowly varying, with little room for modification on behalf of my doctors...it seems a reasonable fear. And yet, there's nothing to be done about it, so while I will be aware of the possibility, I will not let it bring me down.
Fantasy football!
Ugh. What a rotten week for football. I think it's time to call it a season for my Bears, 30 - 23 losers to the Seattle Seahawks this past weekend. What the heck happened to this team? Just a few months ago, I was praising them as a well constructed juggernaught, with questions at QB and RB alone. Now the questions go up and down the line-up, into the coaching staff and front office. The hope now is that they get a high enough draft pick to get one of the top 3 QBs coming out next year (Woodson from Kentucky, Ryan from Boston College, Brohm from Louisville), take a RB to move Benson's butt out of the way (or at least complement him as did Thomas Jones), and then completely re-vamp the OL. And hope the defense comes back healthy and with a better attitude next year.
Both of our beloved fantasy teams suffered losses this week as well, Rodent Passion falling 100 - 61 to Corporeal Punishment, Monkey Knife Fight 152 - 112 to the Sunrise Stingers. It hurts too much to talk about it. Here's hoping some lovin' from the family (along with some turkey and stuffin' and cranberry sauce and such) improves my mood next week.
Both of our beloved fantasy teams suffered losses this week as well, Rodent Passion falling 100 - 61 to Corporeal Punishment, Monkey Knife Fight 152 - 112 to the Sunrise Stingers. It hurts too much to talk about it. Here's hoping some lovin' from the family (along with some turkey and stuffin' and cranberry sauce and such) improves my mood next week.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Congrats Laura and Jeff!
Good friends Laura and Jeff head down to Guatemala to get their newly adopted son, David Carlos. Laura is also several months pregnant with another boy -- twin boys the hard way! Congratulations on both counts to Laura and Jeff. God's blessings on you both, and on the little guys!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Another modest update, 11/13/2007
I spoke today with Dr. Grapski, my local medical oncologist. I'm starting chemo on Thursday -- back to the carboplatin/taxol combo that I'd been pushing for. Seems Dr. Grapski is not so worried about conflicts between this chemo regimen and the radiation, so we'll go ahead and finish off the radiation through Monday, too. As far as I'm concerned, that's fine -- it does seem the radiation is finally doing something, so the more we can throw at these guys, the better. Depending on how things go, perhaps we go ahead and zap the side tumor with radiation when I get back to town after Thanksgiving. That'll be something to talk to Dr. Meyer (the local radiation oncologist) about tomorrow.
So why the sudden agreement to do chemo and radiation at the same time? Well, he was thinking of putting me on a different chemo regimen. It was a little aggravating...though I should cut him a little slack...but he was going to suggest I start irinotecan/erbitux. Which I took from last August through April. Cutting him some slack, at no point did I take that here, so I can understand if he'd overlooked it. For all of my moves, I have to stay on top of these things, and can't count on my doctor to be as much on top of them as I am. The problem with irinotecan/erbitux with radiation is that both can induce big diarrhea issues, and he didn't want to double up on that possibility (especially given the problems with dehydration I'd had before). It's less an issue with the carbo/taxol.
I'm relieved. As always, when we get started on something new (or start something again), it's a time of excitement and optimism. Here's hoping that the combo of chemo and radiation beat back the tumors and my pain, and open the door for treating the liver by itself, by other means.
So why the sudden agreement to do chemo and radiation at the same time? Well, he was thinking of putting me on a different chemo regimen. It was a little aggravating...though I should cut him a little slack...but he was going to suggest I start irinotecan/erbitux. Which I took from last August through April. Cutting him some slack, at no point did I take that here, so I can understand if he'd overlooked it. For all of my moves, I have to stay on top of these things, and can't count on my doctor to be as much on top of them as I am. The problem with irinotecan/erbitux with radiation is that both can induce big diarrhea issues, and he didn't want to double up on that possibility (especially given the problems with dehydration I'd had before). It's less an issue with the carbo/taxol.
I'm relieved. As always, when we get started on something new (or start something again), it's a time of excitement and optimism. Here's hoping that the combo of chemo and radiation beat back the tumors and my pain, and open the door for treating the liver by itself, by other means.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Prayer of the day
May I not rejoice in anythingContinuing yet again the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas, For Ordering a Life Wisely, from here.
unless it leads me to You;
may I not be saddened by anything
unless it turns me from You.
May I desire to please no one,
nor fear to displease anyone,
but You.
Fantasy football!
We come to the end of another glorious week of NFL football -- God's favorite sport -- with Monkey Knife Fight continuing to ride what is now a 5-game winning streak, victorious this week over the St. Pete Pinheads 103 - 76. MKF now sits comfortably at 6 - 4, in second place in the Autobots division of The Great Pigskin Experiment, with a match-up against the first place Sunrise Stingers looming. With byes now complete, we will see what our full-strength squad is made of.
You'll notice that at the start of the year, I would begin my updates with the tails of triumph of Rodent Passion. This was for two reasons: first, I have a greater emotional investment in RP, they being my "dynasty" team, the players on which I keep from year-to-year. Second, RP started quite strong, and I find I like talking about my successes before talking about the failures. I would never have figured myself for such a person -- I've usually been a "eat my veggies first" kind of guy...as a kid, I would eat around the icing on a piece of birthday cake, enjoying several bites of NOTHING BUT ICING at the end. Tasty. I've been a delayed-gratification guy by nature. And yet, I ramble about my fantasy football success before my struggles...why is this? I haven't noticed the same pattern in my health updates...I'll have to take a look and see...
All of which stands as prologue to RP's performance this week. Which is actually still in question -- as I write, RP stands with a modest 66 - 60 lead over The Headhunters, who still have Bobby Engram to play for the Seattle Seahawks in tonight's match-up versus San Francisco. If Engram is kept to fewer than 60 yards and no TDs (a 50/50 or worse proposition), RP rights the ship in time for the full recovery of its players and the end of the dreaded bye-weeks -- just in time to make a late run for the play-offs. Last weekend, we consummated a trade of Andre Johnson for Clinton Portis with Corporeal Punishment, which should strengthen our running attack though leaving us vulnerable at WR, should Roy Williams, Anquan Boldin, or Deion Branch suffer yet another slump or late injury.
Edit (post-MNF game): Bobby Engram was held to 53 yards, meaning RP defeats The Headhunters by a final of 66 - 65. Woo hoo!
I am confident that in MKF I have one of the top three teams in The Great Pigskin Experiment, and have a strong chance of finishing in the money. In RP, I have a team that could finish in the "toilet bowl", struggling to avoid the responsibility to provide tasty beverages for next season's draft party, as easily as it could finish in the money. The fun begins now!
You'll notice that at the start of the year, I would begin my updates with the tails of triumph of Rodent Passion. This was for two reasons: first, I have a greater emotional investment in RP, they being my "dynasty" team, the players on which I keep from year-to-year. Second, RP started quite strong, and I find I like talking about my successes before talking about the failures. I would never have figured myself for such a person -- I've usually been a "eat my veggies first" kind of guy...as a kid, I would eat around the icing on a piece of birthday cake, enjoying several bites of NOTHING BUT ICING at the end. Tasty. I've been a delayed-gratification guy by nature. And yet, I ramble about my fantasy football success before my struggles...why is this? I haven't noticed the same pattern in my health updates...I'll have to take a look and see...
All of which stands as prologue to RP's performance this week. Which is actually still in question -- as I write, RP stands with a modest 66 - 60 lead over The Headhunters, who still have Bobby Engram to play for the Seattle Seahawks in tonight's match-up versus San Francisco. If Engram is kept to fewer than 60 yards and no TDs (a 50/50 or worse proposition), RP rights the ship in time for the full recovery of its players and the end of the dreaded bye-weeks -- just in time to make a late run for the play-offs. Last weekend, we consummated a trade of Andre Johnson for Clinton Portis with Corporeal Punishment, which should strengthen our running attack though leaving us vulnerable at WR, should Roy Williams, Anquan Boldin, or Deion Branch suffer yet another slump or late injury.
Edit (post-MNF game): Bobby Engram was held to 53 yards, meaning RP defeats The Headhunters by a final of 66 - 65. Woo hoo!
I am confident that in MKF I have one of the top three teams in The Great Pigskin Experiment, and have a strong chance of finishing in the money. In RP, I have a team that could finish in the "toilet bowl", struggling to avoid the responsibility to provide tasty beverages for next season's draft party, as easily as it could finish in the money. The fun begins now!
A modest update, 11/12/2007
There's not a great deal to say today, but as promised last week, I'll give a quick run-down on how I'm feeling, and what we're considering. As of today, I've finished 15 radiation treatments on my left hip and tail-bone. And near as I can tell, there is little changed -- for better or worse -- on these tumors. I still feel no real side effects (that's good!) but no real decrease in my pain (that's bad). There are some indications that maybe, just maybe, we're seeing something happen with the tumor at my tail-bone...but the signs are difficult to read, and still more difficult to try and describe here.
I'm planning on tomorrow chatting up Dr. Grapksi, the local medical oncologist, about resuming chemo -- going back to the carboplatin/taxol combo that I like so much. In addition to my experience with this treatment -- that it seemed to keep the pain under control, while softening up or shrinking the near-surface tumors I can feel beneath my skin -- the timing is good. That is, it's a one-every-three-week cycle, so I can make a trip home for Thanksgiving and my consult with Dr. Mulcahy at Northwestern without interrupting the normal treatment cycle.
Next update will come soon, I suppose, with word as to whether or not I'll be starting chemo sooner rather than later.
I'm planning on tomorrow chatting up Dr. Grapksi, the local medical oncologist, about resuming chemo -- going back to the carboplatin/taxol combo that I like so much. In addition to my experience with this treatment -- that it seemed to keep the pain under control, while softening up or shrinking the near-surface tumors I can feel beneath my skin -- the timing is good. That is, it's a one-every-three-week cycle, so I can make a trip home for Thanksgiving and my consult with Dr. Mulcahy at Northwestern without interrupting the normal treatment cycle.
Next update will come soon, I suppose, with word as to whether or not I'll be starting chemo sooner rather than later.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Veteran's Day
I wasn't planning any reflections on Veteran's Day...not that anyone would expect one from me, someone who has never served in the military, and has few friends who have. I guess I am inspired out of the blue, recalling having read just over a year ago the anti-war classic All's Quiet on the Western Front. The work is an intense account of one soldier's experience on the front lines during WWI, on the losing side. The author details the relentless brutality of war, as one is changed through the experience, to endure, endure, endure...against all odds, with little that might be called "hope". The life of the soldier during that war consisted entirely of fighting and surviving. Moments of quiet were celebrated, and transition to chaos was as natural as the rising of the new sun.
I found myself, in reading the book, relating in many ways to the soldier. Both of our experiences are terribly lonely -- just as one who has not struggled with cancer cannot understand my struggles, nor can I (or anyone else) understand the struggles of those facing the horrors of war. The discovery of perseverance -- the ability to endure such horrors, which, had we been presented them prior to our experiences, we surely would have rejected the notion that we could so endure.
Many endure terrible suffering, but the intensity of the suffering of war or cancer...the relentlessness of our opponent...goes beyond what is considered "normal" suffering. It cannot help but change us...but in what ways? Does it make us better human beings? I believe (and have mentioned this elsewhere) that we can choose to answer in the affirmative.
To all those who have endured the horrors of war, I salute you. My prayers are with you, and I thank you for yours.
I found myself, in reading the book, relating in many ways to the soldier. Both of our experiences are terribly lonely -- just as one who has not struggled with cancer cannot understand my struggles, nor can I (or anyone else) understand the struggles of those facing the horrors of war. The discovery of perseverance -- the ability to endure such horrors, which, had we been presented them prior to our experiences, we surely would have rejected the notion that we could so endure.
Many endure terrible suffering, but the intensity of the suffering of war or cancer...the relentlessness of our opponent...goes beyond what is considered "normal" suffering. It cannot help but change us...but in what ways? Does it make us better human beings? I believe (and have mentioned this elsewhere) that we can choose to answer in the affirmative.
To all those who have endured the horrors of war, I salute you. My prayers are with you, and I thank you for yours.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
On further reflection
It is patience that governs our response to the "times of adversity" mentioned below in our continued reflection on the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas, For Ordering a Life Wisely. As St. Thomas quotes St. Augustine in his Summa Theolgica, "a man's patience it is whereby he bears evil with an equal mind, lest he abandon with an unequal mind the goods whereby he may advance to better things."
I quickly wondered, "what is the virtue that governs our response to the 'times of prosperity'?" I think it is in part governed by the virtue of humility. St. Thomas writes again, "a twofold virtue is necessary with regard to the difficult good: one to temper and strengthen the mind, lest it tend to high things immoderately; and this belongs to the virtue of humility." I'm not sure that this is quite it, though...and want to consider this more.
Still, it is clear that there is danger in either prosperity or adversity, and we pray for virtue to be happy in either state. Because as is well known, there are many quite wealthy folks who are unhappy in their excess, and there are many in poverty who demonstrate an uncommon joy. So clearly, happiness is not to be found in either material state, but in the state of our soul.
I quickly wondered, "what is the virtue that governs our response to the 'times of prosperity'?" I think it is in part governed by the virtue of humility. St. Thomas writes again, "a twofold virtue is necessary with regard to the difficult good: one to temper and strengthen the mind, lest it tend to high things immoderately; and this belongs to the virtue of humility." I'm not sure that this is quite it, though...and want to consider this more.
Still, it is clear that there is danger in either prosperity or adversity, and we pray for virtue to be happy in either state. Because as is well known, there are many quite wealthy folks who are unhappy in their excess, and there are many in poverty who demonstrate an uncommon joy. So clearly, happiness is not to be found in either material state, but in the state of our soul.
Prayer of the day
Grant unto me, O Lord my God,Our third installment of the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas, For Ordering a Life Wisely, continued from here. When the circumstances of our lives are such that things go well, we are tempted to presume that we are either deserving or in control. Likewise, when circumstances are such that things go poorly, we are tempted to despair, to lose hope of ever knowing good again. In this case, we may give up trying at all. Both views are a mistake. I discovered early in my struggle with cancer -- when so many things I once presumed to be part of my life abandoned me (my health, my good relationships, the surety of my career path) -- that there is so much beyond my control. This is not to say that we can do nothing to keep such things in good order...just that our efforts alone cannot keep them so. We recall the "Serenity Prayer" of Reinhold Niebuhr:
that I may not falter in times
of prosperity or adversity,
so that I may not be exalted in the former,
nor dejected in the latter.
God grant me the serenityThe well ordered person struggles to grow in this wisdom.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
What I'm reading
For the longest time, my reading list has consisted primarily of classic literature (Dostoevsky, etc.), classics in Catholic or Christian thought (St. Catherine of Sienna, St. Terese of Lisieux, etc.), or classics in Philosophy (Plato, Thomas Aquinas). Contemporary stuff, or anything "light", rarely made my list. I wanted to lighten up a bit, so I asked my brother to lend me a stack of his books from the Star Wars collection -- stories of characters from the movies (or not) within the Star Wars Universe, but not necessarily directly connected to any of the movies.
I've really been enjoying them -- and am finding I can make them as "heavy" as I want, which is fun. Understanding where the authors take the Philosophy behind the Force, for example, has been neat. From the books I've read, it's not so much a battle of "good vs. evil" as it is a battle of two sides of a "pragmatic" coin. Now, I can't say as I'm all that familiar with contemporary "pragmatic" philosophy, but I imagine it might be represented in a popularized way here. Those who follow the Dark Side, for example, are driven by selfish power -- one is happy the more power one possesses and the more control one wields over others. Happiness here might be the wrong word, since one who follows the Dark Side must always look over his shoulder for another who might take away his power. Those who follow the Light Side believe that happiness is found when others also are made happy -- if I live the virtuous life and encourage others to do the same, then all are happy, myself above all. I use my power for the good of others, for "selfish" gain in-so-far as the good of others is also my own. Neither side is driven by an absolute idea of "good" or "evil", but by their pragmatic understanding of what will make them happy.
I've lately wondered about how such a philosophy of ethics would be developed -- groundless except by the collective life experiences of myself and others. I suppose it's out there...perhaps some day I'll find it and read it. One I'm ready to be "heavy" again.
I've really been enjoying them -- and am finding I can make them as "heavy" as I want, which is fun. Understanding where the authors take the Philosophy behind the Force, for example, has been neat. From the books I've read, it's not so much a battle of "good vs. evil" as it is a battle of two sides of a "pragmatic" coin. Now, I can't say as I'm all that familiar with contemporary "pragmatic" philosophy, but I imagine it might be represented in a popularized way here. Those who follow the Dark Side, for example, are driven by selfish power -- one is happy the more power one possesses and the more control one wields over others. Happiness here might be the wrong word, since one who follows the Dark Side must always look over his shoulder for another who might take away his power. Those who follow the Light Side believe that happiness is found when others also are made happy -- if I live the virtuous life and encourage others to do the same, then all are happy, myself above all. I use my power for the good of others, for "selfish" gain in-so-far as the good of others is also my own. Neither side is driven by an absolute idea of "good" or "evil", but by their pragmatic understanding of what will make them happy.
I've lately wondered about how such a philosophy of ethics would be developed -- groundless except by the collective life experiences of myself and others. I suppose it's out there...perhaps some day I'll find it and read it. One I'm ready to be "heavy" again.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Fantasy football!
As the saying goes, he who lives by Addai will also die by Addai. And so it goes with my Fantasy Football teams this past weekend. The Monkey Knife Fight absolutely mauled the Eighteen Grands in Great Pigskin Experiment action, by a final score of 140 - 91, lead by Indianapolis Colts running back Joseph Addai, who ran for 112 yards, caught passes for 114 yards, and had a touchdown by both means. Though the Colts lost, the glory of Fantasy Football should allow Addai to rejoice that he led any number of fake teams to victory yesterday. MKF sits at 5 - 4, a modest record, but one that puts us in position to make a strong play-of run, which is all we ask.
Like, for instance, Coveropolis, who, in Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Football League action, defeated a reeling Rodent Passion by a final score of 125 - 36. That, my friends, is ugly. In R'n'R regular scoring, Addai himself accounted for 34 of the 125 points accrued by the Covoropolians -- nearly enough to defeat Rodent Passion by himself. RP sits at 4 -5, also a modest record. But one that tells the story of 2 teams -- the one that started 4 - 0, the other that has continued at 0 - 5. Our season of promise is quickly sinking into a season of disaster, unless our guys return healthy and strong relatively quickly.
Like, for instance, Coveropolis, who, in Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Football League action, defeated a reeling Rodent Passion by a final score of 125 - 36. That, my friends, is ugly. In R'n'R regular scoring, Addai himself accounted for 34 of the 125 points accrued by the Covoropolians -- nearly enough to defeat Rodent Passion by himself. RP sits at 4 -5, also a modest record. But one that tells the story of 2 teams -- the one that started 4 - 0, the other that has continued at 0 - 5. Our season of promise is quickly sinking into a season of disaster, unless our guys return healthy and strong relatively quickly.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
A modest update, 11/5/2007
It occurs to me that my last update may have sounded a bit worried. And I must admit that I find myself worried far more often these days than I have for much of my ordeal. With some reason, I suppose.
That said, it is in no wise necessary that we be so very concerned. At least, not because of the pain. The tumors that cause my pain are, at the end of the day, mostly nuisances. I don't believe them to be deadly, really, though they make life tough on the day to day. It remains the case that the tumors in my liver are of greatest concern, and these are the ones on which future treatments will primarily focus (as they have been the driving motivation for changing treatments through the summer). The good news (such as it is) is that my liver tumors remain of modest size (relatively speaking -- they are small in comparison to my abdominal tumors, and, more importantly, small in volume compared to the size of my liver). It is also true that they are treatable with modern techniques (with theraspheres, for example). So I will carry my pain so long as it is necessary, not getting worked up about it, looking forward to attacking the bad boys in the liver as soon as we are allowed.
That said, it is in no wise necessary that we be so very concerned. At least, not because of the pain. The tumors that cause my pain are, at the end of the day, mostly nuisances. I don't believe them to be deadly, really, though they make life tough on the day to day. It remains the case that the tumors in my liver are of greatest concern, and these are the ones on which future treatments will primarily focus (as they have been the driving motivation for changing treatments through the summer). The good news (such as it is) is that my liver tumors remain of modest size (relatively speaking -- they are small in comparison to my abdominal tumors, and, more importantly, small in volume compared to the size of my liver). It is also true that they are treatable with modern techniques (with theraspheres, for example). So I will carry my pain so long as it is necessary, not getting worked up about it, looking forward to attacking the bad boys in the liver as soon as we are allowed.
Prayer of the day
Grant that I may know
what you require me to do.
Bestow upon me
the power to accomplish your will,
as is necessary and fitting
for the salvation of my soul.
This is the next stanza of the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas For Ordering a Life Wisely, began here a few days ago. To ask of God what he requires of me has often been difficult. It seems I can be sure of what he requires of everyone, not just me -- that I pursue the life of goodness and virtue, striving to love as he gives example (in the giving of his life). I suppose these days, my particular task is easier to determine than it ever may have been -- that I carry my cancer well, that I allow my pain and suffering to change me, make me more understanding of the suffering of all, more giving with what I have (knowing that of what I have, I can claim no real "ownership" or "right" to it -- health, wealth, worldly happiness being so very fleeting). I trust that my salvation is being worked out primarily in how I handle myself through my cancer -- and not just how I handle my troubles, but how I respond to the troubles of others as I carry my own (God, grant that I never become so obsessed with my own struggles that I fail to see the troubles of my neighbor!).
St. Thomas gives us the key to carrying our responsibilities well -- which is that we ask strength from Him Who requires these things of us. He provides the opportunity for good, the strength to do it, and then rewards the doing. All good comes from Him, though we are invited to participate in His work.
what you require me to do.
Bestow upon me
the power to accomplish your will,
as is necessary and fitting
for the salvation of my soul.
This is the next stanza of the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas For Ordering a Life Wisely, began here a few days ago. To ask of God what he requires of me has often been difficult. It seems I can be sure of what he requires of everyone, not just me -- that I pursue the life of goodness and virtue, striving to love as he gives example (in the giving of his life). I suppose these days, my particular task is easier to determine than it ever may have been -- that I carry my cancer well, that I allow my pain and suffering to change me, make me more understanding of the suffering of all, more giving with what I have (knowing that of what I have, I can claim no real "ownership" or "right" to it -- health, wealth, worldly happiness being so very fleeting). I trust that my salvation is being worked out primarily in how I handle myself through my cancer -- and not just how I handle my troubles, but how I respond to the troubles of others as I carry my own (God, grant that I never become so obsessed with my own struggles that I fail to see the troubles of my neighbor!).
St. Thomas gives us the key to carrying our responsibilities well -- which is that we ask strength from Him Who requires these things of us. He provides the opportunity for good, the strength to do it, and then rewards the doing. All good comes from Him, though we are invited to participate in His work.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Update, 11/3/2007
I didn't really expect to provide an update any time soon. At least, not till I had something bigger to share. However, I was prodded for an update by a friend, and it occurs to me that even in the absence of big news, the regular update on how I'm feeling would probably be welcomed by many. So, here's what I shared with my friend:
I'm still not able to get back to work, as I'm still in a lot of pain -- it hasn't eased yet with the radiation. This was to be expected. At least, they told me it would be at least 2 weeks before I'd feel anything. We're just at the 2 week mark...so hopefully, soon.
Finances and benefits are in good shape. I'm on short-term disability through work -- it's not a federal program, but part of my work benefits package. It's pretty nice -- I'm paid at my full salary for 5 weeks if needed, at 80% for another 5 weeks, then at 60% for 10. If I can manage to fit in another 2 weeks of work in there, I actually earn another week for each of the 1st 2 stages, another 4 for the 3rd stage -- the full benefit kicks in when you've worked at the lab for 6 months...I'd been there 5.5 before taking off.
I really can't say just when I'll be back to work, though I hope it's soon after Thanksgiving. It really depends on what we decide to do next in my treatment, which will be determined when I see Dr. Mulcahy at Northwestern, scheduled now for the Wednesday after Thanksgiving.
It's tough. While we're treating just the 2 tumors that are the likely sources of pain in my leg and tail-bone, I can almost feel the tumors growing elsewhere in my abdomen...in my side, and in my front along the vertical incision from my surgeries. I hate waiting to treat those, but there's no real choice -- though perhaps one of them (the one on my right side) could be added to those we currently treat with radiation. I'll be bringing that up with my radiation oncologist this week.
Thanks to all for your continued concern. I'll try and keep a weekly update on how I'm doing/feeling -- it's probably good for me to keep up running reflections, and I appreciate the concern so many of you hold for me.
I'm still not able to get back to work, as I'm still in a lot of pain -- it hasn't eased yet with the radiation. This was to be expected. At least, they told me it would be at least 2 weeks before I'd feel anything. We're just at the 2 week mark...so hopefully, soon.
Finances and benefits are in good shape. I'm on short-term disability through work -- it's not a federal program, but part of my work benefits package. It's pretty nice -- I'm paid at my full salary for 5 weeks if needed, at 80% for another 5 weeks, then at 60% for 10. If I can manage to fit in another 2 weeks of work in there, I actually earn another week for each of the 1st 2 stages, another 4 for the 3rd stage -- the full benefit kicks in when you've worked at the lab for 6 months...I'd been there 5.5 before taking off.
I really can't say just when I'll be back to work, though I hope it's soon after Thanksgiving. It really depends on what we decide to do next in my treatment, which will be determined when I see Dr. Mulcahy at Northwestern, scheduled now for the Wednesday after Thanksgiving.
It's tough. While we're treating just the 2 tumors that are the likely sources of pain in my leg and tail-bone, I can almost feel the tumors growing elsewhere in my abdomen...in my side, and in my front along the vertical incision from my surgeries. I hate waiting to treat those, but there's no real choice -- though perhaps one of them (the one on my right side) could be added to those we currently treat with radiation. I'll be bringing that up with my radiation oncologist this week.
Thanks to all for your continued concern. I'll try and keep a weekly update on how I'm doing/feeling -- it's probably good for me to keep up running reflections, and I appreciate the concern so many of you hold for me.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Prayer of the day
O merciful God, grant that I may
desire ardently,
search prudently,
recognize truly,
and bring to perfect completion
whatever is pleasing to You
for the praise and glory of Your name.
Put my life in good order, O my God.
This is the opening stanza of the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas, For Ordering a Life Wisely, which Thomas is said to have recited daily before the image of Christ. As often as I can remember to do so, I do the same. Over the coming days (or weeks, depending on how often I get to it), I will provide the rest of the prayer, bit-by-bit. Often, the brief stanzas make enough of a stand-alone prayer...if but a whisper of a prayer, still a noble aspiration. Some time ago, as I entered the Catholic Church, a good friend -- with whom I have, regrettably, lost touch (God's blessing be upon you, wherever you are, Toyin) -- gifted me The Aquinas Prayer Book, containing many prayers, from which I have learned how to pray for the best things. Perhaps my good readers will be as blessed as I have been by this one.
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