"It's smaller, I'm sorry to say..."

"You're 'sorry to say'?" I thinks to myself.

"You were right, and I was wrong."

We had what was both an encouraging and discouraging moment this morning with my local oncologist. He found himself admitting to being disappointed that the tumor on my right side, by what was admittedly a very crude measurement, appeared to be smaller. Obviously an encouraging moment, as our hope remains that a return to the Carboplatin/Taxol combo will control my cancer outside of the liver, allowing us to treat the liver by other means. But what do we make of his open disappointment in being wrong? He'd resisted this return, only reluctantly going back to it on my insistence. When his ego allows him to verbalize such disappointment while our mutual goal should be my improved health, what am I to do? In the end, I choose to make little of it. He has a necessary part to play in my ongoing treatment, though for important decisions, I will lean more on Dr. Mulcahy at Northwestern. I am glad that I have come to know enough about my body and what has worked and what has not, so that I could insist on a treatment over my doctor's "better judgment". I worry for those who either do not pay enough attention to their care, trusting their doctors to be driven by the well-being of the patient, or for those who may know well enough, but fear to speak up in opposition to one with the word "doctor" before their name. The lesson remains for all -- as a patient, you have more responsibility for your health than your doctor. It's a difficult burden to bear when sick, when all you want to do is to put yourself completely into the hands of an expert who will make all the right decisions in order to make you well. Unfortunately, our doctors are human, with limitations in knowledge and/or in character, limitations that we must be ready to overcome as well as we are able.

As said, though, very preliminary results from this return to carbo/taxol look good. My pain is modestly reduced, and the near-surface tumors appear (by the 'aforementioned crude measurement) smaller. We remain hopeful that our current course may yet lead us to stable disease soon. I was initially to begin my second treatment cycle today, but a measurement of my platelets showed them low, so we postpone till next week.

I am hopeful that I may begin working again soon. I am feeling better mentally as I can reduce my pain killers. I don't know that I have strength to put in a full week at the lab, but I am talking to my colleagues about perhaps working some from home on computer control of some of our apparatus, while perhaps putting in a day or two during the week on-site. Perhaps in time, that "day or two" can be extended.