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I was asked in the comments after my most recent health update if I'd ever considered a trip to Lourdes. In fact I have -- I went in the fall of 2005, during my first year living in Germany, as part of my first "European vacation". The following is an edited excerpt of an e-mail I sent to my family (with the above photo):
Lourdes is a famous pilgrimage destination, owing to the visions a 14-year-old nun-in-training named Bernadette experienced back in the mid-1800s. She was visited frequently by the Virgin Mary, who instructed her to pray for sinners among other things. As a sign that the visits were genuine, a spring suddenly started flowing from the rocks near the cave where the visits were taking place. Bernadette was simply instructed to wash her face and pray, and she drank a little bit of the water. But in the 150 years or so since, there have been many documented cures associated with the waters from the spring. I didn't go expecting any kind of cure for myself. I went for this reason as much as any other: to remind myself that God still works miracles, and that I should be open to putting myself in a position to receive one. I spent 2 days praying, reflecting, and otherwise being reminded that I am wonderfully blessed, in spite of my current struggles. I don't know what the Lord has in store for me -- who among us knows how many days we've got? -- but I know that today, so long as I've got breath within me, I should trust Him and do good. And while I often fall short of the good I should do, I will trust in His mercy and love, then try and do better.
This post has been a few days in coming. Perhaps I needed the encouragement of St. Thomas Aquinas (see following post) to get off my butt and do what I promise to do. But here it is...
Last Friday I went in for a treatment, and also to receive the results on my latest CT scan. As to my treatment, we postponed it as my platelet counts were once again well below allowable levels. I am scheduled to return next Monday (February 5) to try again.
The news from my CT scan is a mixed bag, but (unfortunately) more bad than good. The good is that the carboplatin/taxol continues to be effective on the tumors on my abdominal surfaces. These continue to shrink (if just a little) which helps a little on the pain front. The bad news is that the tumors in my liver remain unresponsive to chemo. In addition, and though the CT is a bit ambiguous on this, it is likely I also have unresponsive tumors in my lungs. If this is true, the hoped-for plan of following up on several months of this chemo with the theraspheres to treat my liver will not work -- not so long as there remain growing tumors elsewhere in my body.
So what happens at this point? It is difficult to be sure. I have had my CT images and reports sent to Dr. Mulcahy at Northwestern. Hopefully, she gets these soon, and has something to say. What likely will happen is that I will move home, continuing treatments nearer the company of family and friends. Barring some breakthrough in the next several months, we will simply look to treat my symptoms, providing whatever is effective in maintaining my quality and quantity of life, though knowing that we are beyond the reach of chemo to stabilize my disease again.
The battles ahead will be as much psychological as physical. Everything one lives for comes to the fore when faced with one's mortality. Were the sacrifices of the life of faith worthwhile? For that matter, can I even boast in what little "sacrifices" I may have made? I trust in my God at this point, which is all we can do. He Who has proven able to turn the greatest of evils into the greatest of goods, can certainly turn my life into something of value. And even the end of my life.
I write on the feast day of St. Thomas Aquinas -- a favorite around these parts, as many of you know. On this day, I ask for his prayers for myself and all my readers. He was a pious thinker -- a great intellect whose thought was always shaped and directed by a profound faith. I have always desired to be such as he, and I know that many of my friends have like desires. St. Thomas Aquinas, pray for us.
And after all this time, I'm only starting with a few words on paragraph 1. Still, it's a loaded paragraph, which sets the table for the whole encyclical, so it's probably worth getting a few things straight from the start. One other thing before we get going: I won't claim to be any sort of expert theologian, and this won't be any sort of deep commentary. I just want to post my own thoughts on hope as inspired by much more profound thinkers than I.
So, about mid-way through paragraph 1, we get something like a definition from Benedict: "the present, even if it is arduous, can be lived and accepted if it leads towards a goal, if we can be sure of this goal, and if this goal is great enough to justify the effort of the journey." It seems there are two sorts of hope one can consider: a short term hope, and (as is the emphasis of the encyclical) an eternal hope. We put ourselves through any number of hardships -- college and grad school, bad relationships, dirty diapers, etc. -- in the hope that there will be a reward in the end -- career, happy marriage, happy and well adjusted children, etc.
The big questions come when one considers the second sort -- hope for eternity. This Benedict acknowledges right away: "what sort of hope could ever justify the statement that...we are redeemed? And what sort of certainty is involved here?" These are the big questions one faces when considering one's mortality -- to the extent that one is so blessed that death is not suddenly and unexpectedly visited upon oneself. Specifically, I want to read the rest of the encyclical somewhat selfishly. I want some answers myself, as to what sort of hope it is that I embrace, making the struggle with cancer worthwhile.
For now we continue with Augustine, trusting "the past to the mercy of God; the present to His love; the future to His providence." More to come...
A couple of things to pass along...first, some news on my ca19-9, which to date has been my most reliable tumor marker in my blood tests. Normal levels of this chemical (and forgive me for not recollecting the proper units, or even knowing too much about its origins or proper function) is around 30 or less. I've had my levels that low a few times over the last four years, though not since mid-2006 has it been below 80. The (modest) good news is that recent tests show that my level has dropped -- from around 560 to around 530. I've seen bigger drops, to be sure, and could hope for still bigger drops with continued treatment with Taxol/Carboplatin. But any drop is a good drop, so this is good news, and one more modest sign (along with a small drop in my pain levels and the apparent shrinking of my near-surface tumors) that the Taxol/Carboplatin combo is working to a degree.
Second, I've had some complications of late that have prevented my return to work. I've only been back the one time, in the middle of December, though I hope to give it another whirl come next week. I've not been sleeping well at all because of some urinary tract issues, which I hope were satisfactorily dealt with in a visit to a local urologist this week. Once I can get a thorough night's rest, I hope I'll then have strength to make it through a full day at the lab.
Please keep me in your prayers, both for the continued effectiveness of the Taxol/Carboplatin chemo regimen, and for a good night's sleep (or more than one, actually!).
It's been four years to the day since my initial diagnosis. Like in years past, I can't really say as I have any profound thoughts to mark the occasion. The fight is still too real, too present, I suppose, to wax overly pensive. Still, the day should be noted. With hope that perhaps next year I'll have something more to say, or even cheer, on this date.
A Happy New Year, all! Sorry I've not been posting of late -- keeping busy hanging out with the family and such over the holidays. But I'm back in Knoxville, as of just before January 1, and look forward to getting back on some sort of regular routine with the blog.
For starters, with yesterday's most recent treatment, I'll provide the first health update of the new year. Heading into the treatment, I suppose I'd been feeling alright. Seems the second week of the three week cycle is the best -- my pain is at it's least, and my energy and activity level at its greatest. Then the third week, leading into the next treatment, my pain starts increasing again, my energy starts waning...as if the tumors are recovering and resuming some growth at the end of the cycle. This would seem to emphasize to me the need to stay right on top of my regular cycle -- delays, like the last one, due to the low platelet counts, can be bad at this stage.
The good news is that there was no need for a delay with this treatment. In fact, nearly all of my blood chemistry markers were good -- my platelets were not only in a "treatable" range, but had even increased since my last treatment. My red cell counts had also stabilized in a good range after the transfusion I received at the last treatment. Blood chemicals which indicate kidney and liver activity also were moving in directions showing that these organs were in good shape. All of which are good signs...none conclusive, but positive signs none-the-less.
A more conclusive test of where things are will come with my next CT scan, scheduled for 2 weeks from now. Though I suppose it won't be so conclusive as we might like. My last CT scan came way back in October, after which time we went a month with no chemo, treating with radiation only those 2 tumors in my pelvis. So what will this CT scan show? If everything is smaller, that will indicate that this chemo is working, and we're in great shape. If some are bigger, or nearly the same size...we can't really conclude anything till the next CT scan. The growth could easily have occurred during that "down time" before resuming chemo in late November. In all likelihood, we will continue this treatment after the scan, so long as I feel that it is working, and that my pain is under control.
More posts to come. This weekend, for those interested, I will FINALLY begin posting thoughts on B XVI's latest, Spe Salvi come the end of this weekend.
