Fantasy football!

Rodent Passion now finds itself 4 - 4, with a four-week losing streak in tow, thanks to yet another defeat (this time at the hands of Ethos, 90 - 60) of a line-up dominated by rookies and castaways. The good news is that our long, injury-riddled, tunnel looks to be coming to its merciful end, as Laurence Maroney, Deion Branch, Anquan Boldin, and Andre Johnson return from their respective injuries. With the surprising rise of Denver tight end Tony Scheffler, RP has a chance to regain its early season dominance just in time for the play-offs.

Meanwhile, Monkey Knife Fight has ripped off three consecutive convincing victories, most recently by the score of 146 - 62 over the Lazerphiles. As has been the case all year with MKF, we got balanced scoring all around, though we are pleased with another surprise in the play of New England WR Wes Welker, taking the lead in what was already expected to be a strong WR corps.

Use me

I had wanted to look up all sorts of references on this, to encourage myself and my readers who share my faith. Perhaps I may yet, but I wanted to put this out there sooner rather than later, and at the moment, I don't know that I have the energy to do the kind of formal study that I'd really have in mind.

What I am offering is this: please, friends, let me pray for you. Our Lord's was a life of suffering, and he applied this suffering to our spiritual benefit. Those of us who follow him and are called to suffer are invited to participate in his suffering, and I am convinced that God may empower my earthly suffering to my spiritual gain and the spiritual gain of those for whom I pray.

I know that people are hesitant to burden me with their troubles, figuring that I may just have troubles enough of my own. Yet as I have become aware that people really do want to help me -- and I have to be humble and let them, for both our goods, fighting every instinct in my body that suggests I can do it myself -- I hope people will let me help them. I trust that my prayers, at this time, as I suffer and share my sufferings with Our Lord, sharing also in his, may just carry a weight beyond what they may at other times and places. Please, let me pray for you.

A content Sebastian

I'd never observed this behavior before, in any cat I've known. But Sebastian seems to enjoy kneading, where he'll press alternately with his paws on whatever soft surface is nearby -- usually either my lap or a small blanket. Actually, I've successfully convinced him to use the blanket rather than my lap, seeing as he's still got his claws, and his kneading of my leg was getting rather painful. It is apparently a sign that he's pretty happy with how things are. He certainly purrs quite loudly as he does it.

I've often thought I have a way with God's stupid creatures -- animals, babies, certain women (wait, did I say that out loud?). Yeah, we've become buds. I like having the little guy around. :)

Radiation update, 10/26/2007

I have now completed 4 of my scheduled 20 radiation treatments. So far, I'm feeling nothing at all -- good or bad. No reduction in my pain, but no evidence of side effects, either. They say I shouldn't expect much by way of pain reduction until I've completed at least 2 weeks of treatments, so I suppose patience, as it often is, is the word of the day.

In the meantime, I have not been back to work in the last two weeks. My pains reached a point where the prescribed medications were leaving me in a poor state for driving, much less for performing my work at any reasonable level. The good news here is that the benefits package at the lab is excellent, and I can claim a "short term disability" that will allow me to continue getting paid for a decent while. I can hope to return to work before this benefit is exhausted.

While I don't know exactly what comes next after the radiation, I am making some moves to help in the determination. We have pretty much exhausted the expertise available here in Knoxville, so I have set up an appointment for a consultation with my oncologist at Northwestern, Dr. Mulcahy. I will see her on the Monday after Thanksgiving (11/26/2007). My hope at that time is to convince her that (1) perhaps we can use the carboplatin/taxol combo one more time to control my cancer outside the liver while (2) using Theraspheres to treat my tumors in the liver. Unless she's got better ideas. It certainly seemed that this treatment was working everywhere outside the liver through the summer -- we changed only as we saw the liver tumors growing.

I suppose there's no demand for updates till I notice something -- here's hoping as soon as next week. All the best to all till then...

Quote of the day

There is cause for rejoicing here. You may for a time have to suffer the distress of many trials; but this is so that your faith, which is more precious than the passing splendor of fire-tried gold, may by its genuineness lead to praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ appears. Although you have never seen him, you love him, and without seeing you now believe in him, and rejoice with inexpressible joy touched with glory because you are achieving faith's goal, your salvation.

I Peter 1:6-9. The reading from tonight's Evening Prayer.

Fantasy football!

While sick, I couldn't find it in me to provide my weekly Fantasy Football update. With all apologies for those who waited impatiently last week, I will provide a mid-weekend update on the fortunes of both my beloved teams, Monkey Knife Fight and Rodent Passion.

Of course, those who read the comments will know that Rodent Passion fell to the hapless Popeye's Nephews (thanks, Steve) last week, while producing the lowest scoring output in our league's 3.5 year history, largely due to bye weeks and injuries to many of my top players. As those injuries continued to this week, RP fortunes look no better. Barring a super-human effort tonight by Jacksonville tight end Marcedes Lewis (say, his going for 150 yards and 3 TDs), RP will suffer its 3rd consecutive loss. Still on track for a play-off berth, but our players must get healthy (and stay off the weed) if RP is to recover from this slide.

MKF, meanwhile, is on a little run, thanks largely to the unexpected explosion of the fantasy powerhouse Wes Welker of the New England Patriots. He has produced 30+ points for MKF on consecutive weeks, helping to pull out an unlikely victory one week ago, and putting MKF in position for another this week. Heading into tonight's Monday Night Football game between Indianapolis and Jacksonville, MKF finds itself down 7 to the Brookside Bulldogs, with Indy RB Joseph Addai and Jacksonville TE Marcedes Lewis still to play. The Bulldogs counter with Jacksonville QB David Garrard. A close one that could go either way, I like our chances should Addai come back strong from his recent injury.

In football talk, unrelated to fantasy football, I find it interesting how often the subject of character in adversity arises. Just this morning, listening to Mike and Mike on ESPN radio, I don't recall who, but someone was making the comment that "adversity does not build character, it reveals it". I have seen variations on this theme in many contexts, but like I say, it comes up often in football. What do I think of this? Personally, I think both. I'll snoop through my copy of The Dialogue of St. Catherine of Sienna to get her agreement, but I am convinced that suffering both builds and reveals character. While we are born, I believe, with a certain supply of instinctual virtue (if such can really be said -- perhaps it's better to say we are inclined toward certain good behaviors naturally, while others we develop and choose), trials of all kinds -- whether cancer, or merely suffering through going to school as kids -- build in us wisdom, justice, fortitude, and temperance, if we choose. Later trials reveal the extent to which these virtues have blossomed, while allowing them further feed on which they will be nourished and grow.

I think to suggest that trial merely reveals character denies the very possibility that character may be developed. How else might character be developed except by trial? I suppose there are some, who by the exercise of their wills, grow in wisdom and the other virtues, without ever having to suffer trials. Most, however, have to be forced to grow, the way children are forced to go to school. And this "force" comes by way of the trials placed upon us by life.

Edit (10/24/07) to add the weekend's final scores:
MKF (3-4) 110 over Brookside Bulldogs 108
NP (4-3) 54 loses to KC Masterpiece 85

Update, 10/19/2007

First, my apologies for taking some time getting this one out. I had fully intended to post an update on Tuesday, after seeing Dr. Grapski, but between needing time to wrap my head around the latest news, meeting with a radiation oncologist yesterday (Thursday, October 18), and getting sick (I got knocked loopy starting Sunday evening...feeling near 100% only today), I'm only now getting around to this. Thanks for your patience.

So, from Tuesday we have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have likely located the sources of my pains in my back and left leg. There is a growing tumor near my tail-bone, roughly 7.5 cm in diameter, as well as another tumor (not sure the size) on my left leg, near the hip-joint. Yesterday's visit with the radiation oncologist was to discuss treatment of these. On Monday I return for a "mock" run of my treatment, when they will confirm that they have defined the proper trajectories for the different radiation beams used to attack my tumors -- coming in from multiple angles allows a greater concentration of radiation on the tumor versus healthy tissue. Then on Tuesday I begin for real, returning Monday through Friday for the next four weeks. After this time, continuation will be determined by (1) whether my pain is improved, (2) whether we see any regression of the tumor in a follow-up scan, and (3) the severity of any side-effects.

In the meantime, we will put aside chemotherapy, and this gets us to the "bad news" portion of our post. We have officially exhausted all chemotherapy options for the liver -- 4 nodules in the liver have seen an increase in size since my last scan, growing by as much as 1/3. Everywhere else (aside from the 2 causing my pain and the 4 in the liver) it appears my cancer is either stable or gone (though we can't say anything with certainly here), so that much is good. Treatment of liver tumors is notoriously difficult, though two techniques have emerged over the last several years that offer some promise. The first uses tiny beads filled with a radioactive element (going alternatively by the names "theraspheres" or "SIMspheres"), which are injected into the blood-stream on its way to the liver. These beads collect in the tumors and there deposit their energy, largely preserving healthy tissue. The second option goes under the name "gamma-knife" or "laser-knife". From what I gather (I have not yet read as much about this), this employs first a surgical procedure to open direct pathways into the liver, allowing laser- or gamma-radiation to then interact directly with the tumors. Both are minimally invasive, with low side-effects and seemingly high success rates, though with the disadvantage -- as with all radiation treatment -- that they interact only with the targeted tumors, and not with any smaller, unseen, tumor in the liver. If simply due to geography (it's offered at Vanderbilt, just 3 hours away and within my HMO region) my best bet will likely be with SIMspheres. I am still gathering information, and must decide when to pursue this. I can say this will wait till after the coming month or so of "standard' radiation treatment. Just how long we'll wait is still to be determined.

And that's about it, sports fans. While the news of Tuesday, that the Xeloda was not working in the liver, was no surprise, it was still a punch in the gut. It is so every time -- no matter how hard I try to prepare myself. Every reminder from the outside -- from a doctor, from a CT scan -- that my cancer is getting beyond the reach of chemo is a jolt. But we respond the same way every time -- we take the hit, and rise again. Life is worth living, at all stages, and so long as I have life within in me, I will fight for it. Thank you all, as always, for your thoughts, prayers, and all other forms of support.

More on Kreeft

In a recent e-mail sent to a friend, I included the following reflection inspired by reading that book on Heaven, by Peter Kreeft. Seemed worth sharing (after modest editing):

One speculation Kreeft brings out in his book is that in heaven, we will participate -- actually participate -- in the suffering of others on earth. I remember reading that and at first being almost jealous of my suffering -- it's mine, after all. How can anyone else be allowed to learn and grow from them when I was the one forced to suffer through them? And then, of course, with time to reflect, it occurred to me that this would be a good thing. First, for me (always starting selfishly...still starting selfishly...). I have seen or become aware of and become more sympathetic to so much suffering not my own over the past several years. As humans we all share the bond of suffering, though in different ways. I am convinced that this suffering is, ultimately, what shapes us most as human beings. If in heaven I am to be most fully human, it makes sense that I learn from the suffering of others -- I want this for myself. I suspect that if I share in the suffering of another, they do not suddenly become any less the suffering of that other -- I will wear my scars...my battle wounds from cancer...proudly in the next life, as will those who bear "scars" of other sorts, from their unique suffering. Secondly, we all desire to know and be known, love and be loved. If heaven is where we are truly most happy, it is where we will be most fully known, and where we most fully know.

Quote of the day

Ah, yes. Spending time in the valley so you will
appreciate the peak.

Gigi, from the comments to the "Quote of the day" from October 7.

I've been contemplating adding some "meat" to this blog, by way of offering reflections on two themes that mean quite a bit to me these days: the virtuous life, and the nature of suffering. I thought I'd take Gigi's comment to get the ball rolling on both of these ideas.

The question is, "is that it?" I mean, is the point of suffering simply to learn to appreciate the good times? Whether in this life, or in heaven? I may have suggested as much, but I really can't believe that's all there is to it. I remember a homily from shortly after my diagnosis. In it, the priest noted that there are two directions we can go...two choices we can make...in the face of great trial. The first is to let our suffering defeat us, making us bitter and angry, hopeless. Or we can choose to become good through suffering -- to become virtuous, facing it with courage, growing in widsom and our conception of justice, through which we become the better equipped to handle the difficulties of this life (which do not stop with, and are not limited by, cancer -- I have only to watch my friends struggling mightily to raise children to understand this).

And what of heaven? I mean, how many of the virtues remain with us in heaven? Is there still the need for temperance or fortitude? I don't no...but I don't think so. Justice? I think that's taken care of, too. Wisdom? Ahhh...there it is. I think we find a nugget of the wisdom of heaven in being able to appreciate its goodness after the struggles of earth. But I also expect there is more here, too. Just what it is, I'll have to think about some more...

Fantasy football!

I find myself growing a little tired of this segment. Maybe it's 'cause my teams didn't do so hot this week, and 'cause things are looking rough for the future. But perhaps some of you are emotionally invested in the fortunes of Monkey Knife Fight or Rodent Passion? It would be irresponsible of me to deprive you of your much needed "fix". And so...in Great Pigskin Experiment action, MKF found itself in a game it could win...only to have Santonio Holmes become a game-time scratch, leading to an 89 - 84 loss to the St. Pete Pinheads. An underwhelming performance all around. We would be optimistic heading into this weekend's action against the Space Family Robinson -- the league's worst team -- but with 1/2 of our team taking a bye, we've filled our roster with waiver wire scrubs for the week. A well-constructed team is looking like a play-off outsider barring some change in our lucky stars.

Meanwhile, RP put forth it's worst production of the year in losing to Coveropolis, 61 - 42. Our super-powered WR corps is hurting in a big way -- with Anquan Boldin, Andre Johnson, and Deion Branch all nursing injuries, and Roy Williams entering his bye week, the coming week looks tough as well. Your prayers are appreciated.

Quote of the day

Heaven’s greatest wonder is not miracles but
goodness.

From Peter Kreeft, Everything you ever wanted to know about heaven

I’ve been reading the above book – I’m about half-way through by now. On reading the above assertion, my first thought is, “really?” Wouldn’t I much rather be made healthy than good? Perhaps that is one’s first reaction. But on further thought, I think Kreeft is right. At least, when I consider my life before cancer, I can ask myself, “how much happiness did my health and strength bring me?” On a conscious level? I have to say I very much took it for granted. I suppose now, if I were restored to health, I would be all the more thankful for it, and would therefore be more happy – but that would only be after acquiring wisdom through suffering, that health is fleeting. And so the greater good here – the greater wonder – would not then be my restored health. It would be the wisdom to appreciate it. In the same way, I wonder if wisdom shouldn’t make me happier regardless of my sickness or health. At least, if I understand wisdom correctly – isn’t it something like “knowing what will make me happy, and making choices consistently to pursue and obtain it”? – it should put me on the road to happiness.

In this life, what has made me most happy has been the company of family and valued friends. Contemplation and learning come second (just how distant is hard to say – contemplation and learning with friends and family is the top of the top). The wisdom to appreciate this – more than health or wealth or whatever – is a great gift. The great wonder of heaven, as Kreeft is pointing out, is not so much the absence of pain and suffering and things like this. It is the wisdom to appreciate it, and to enjoy the One who makes it all possible. And so my goals remain the same – not necessarily the return of my health (though certainly I would welcome it), but the advent of virtue, particularly wisdom, in my soul.

Not really an update...

...but I wanted to give folks an idea as to when big news might be coming. First, I'm scheduled for a CT scan tomorrow (October 5). I leave late afternoon for a little trip with work (for those worried, the neighbors will be by to care for little Sebastian while I'm gone), returning a week later. I see Dr. Grapski (the oncologist) on Tuesday, October 16. We'll have the results from the CT scan, and will take another look at my ca19-9.

With the CT scan, we're looking for 2 things: first, is there an obvious candidate for the source of the increasing pains I've been experiencing? Pain that began shortly after my move to Munich in the Spring of '05, and could at that time be controlled with ibuprofin, has advanced and spread, lately strongest in my left hip and down that leg. Powerful prescription pain meds are hardly enough to keep the pain under control, and leave me tired and nauseous. Should we find something in the CT scan (looking particularly in the bones, the pelvis especially) we may start radiation treatment on that immediately.

The second thing we're looking for is the overall advance or stability of the disease, to let us know if the Xeloda has been in any way effective. I am not optimistic, given the increase in my need for pain killers, and in the increase in my ca19-9 from last time, but we'll see.

There are two directions that I can see my treatment heading. In the first, we find that Xeloda is not working at all. In this case, we probably go back (for what will be a 3rd time) to the Carboplatin/Taxol combo, that was working so well on my surface tumors and in keeping the pain down, but was failing in the liver. We'd then use radiation on the liver tumors (and possibly also on whatever tumors are causing my pain, though we may wait to see if the chemo is again effective there).

The second direction we take if the Xeloda has been effective in keeping the liver tumors under control. In this case, I stick with the Xeloda, using radiation to deal with the pain-causing tumors in the hip/pelvis. Assuming we find such tumors in the CT scan.

More to come on the 16th...

Sebastian to stay!

While there was no definitive test to confirm that he was responsible for little Sierra's allergic response, there is no denying that the little girl is doing a lot better since the little guy's moving in with me. And so it looks like I've got me a long-term roommate. Which is cool -- he and I have fairly well bonded over the last 2 weeks or so. He's an affectionate little guy, to be sure, and we're getting along great.

Oh, and you'll be happy to know, Mom, that while St. Sebastian is my reminder to strive for the virtue of fortitude, St. Thomas Aquinas includes patience as a part of fortitude. There's our favorite word again... :)

Fantasy football!

Next verse, same as the first...Monkey Knife Fight continues to battle, consistently scoring well relative to the league, with balanced scoring up and down the line-up, but not well enough to overcome the week's opponent. This time, MKF falls 143 - 121 to the Sunrise Stingers. We grow tired of this nonsense.

Meanwhile, Rodent Passion continues to delight and amaze, staying unbeaten with a solid (if unspectacular) 92 - 61 triumph over Corporeal Punishment. The lesson for this week is the necessity of prudence to organize and discipline the passions, in order to achieve one's goals. Keys to this week's victory again included Deion Branch, acquired via trade before the season as part of a deal in which RP relinquished the rights to Rudi Johnson. Now, good Rudi has been a mainstay in the RP line-up for 2 years. He'd been, perhaps, the single most reliable member of the squad. But in fantasy football, one cannot grow attached to one's players at the expense of improving the team for the near- and long-term. A second key was the late addition to the starting line-up of Sammy Morris, starting for New England in place of the injured Laurence Maroney. In a move demonstrating uncommon fore-sight (for this fantasy footballer, anyway), I'd picked up Mr. Morris a few weeks back, anticipating just such a possibility.