Fantasy football!

This will be the last post in some time concerning our beloved Rodent Passion and Monkey Knife Fight. Alas, the fantasy football season came, for all intents and purposes, to an end this past weekend. Monkey Knife Fight, after what was a strong regular season, fell prey to some weak wide receiver play, in addition to the sudden disappearance of Antonio Gates, to fall 125 - 82 at the hands of the Eighteen Grands. The team will be completely dismantled in favor of a newer, stronger, more robust team next year. Likely one with a new name, as is our tradition in the Great Pigskin Experiment.

And where do the passions of the Rodents lie as of today? We find ourselves, despite the sadness of a season of losing, full of hope for the future. Injuries to Deion Branch and Anquan Boldin, which cost us many a victory, seem to have healed. With Roy Williams rounding out a strong regular starting 3 at wide receiver, the venerable Isaac Bruce in reserve, and the prospect of long-time Arizona back-up Bryant Johnson likely securing a starting position elsewhere, wide receiver should again be a position of strength -- though depth should never be taken for granted, a hard lesson learned this past season.

With the late-season trade of WR Andre Johnson for RB Clinton Portis, we find ourselves with a strong "keeper" foursome at RB of Portis and Justin Fargas (assuming he retains the starting position in Oakland) along with the promising Laurence Maroney and DeAngelo Williams. To be added in the draft, as mentioned in previous posts: the electric Darren McFadden from Arkansas. RB should be a position of strength, from which we may hope to deal to improve ourselves elsewhere during the course of next season.

A difficult season for Philip Rivers will hopefully be just a bump in the road on his development into one of the top QBs in the league. Meanwhile, David Garrard proved himself to be a consistent and reliable QB -- solid if unspectacular. Some depth may be needed, but the Rodents should be solid at this position next season.

After some years of struggling to find strong play at the TE position, Rodent Passion feels confident that we at last have 2 to depend upon in Green Bay's Donald Lee and Denver's Tony Scheffler. And at kicker...well, they're kickers. Stefen Gostkowski and Neil Rackers are young and on potent offenses, both worthy of keeping around for some time.

The Rodents and the Monkeys thank you all for your concern and support through the course of another rough and tumble year of fantasy football. See you again in August!

Back to work!

After some late morning debating -- do I or do I not head back in today? -- I sucked it up and re-entered the work-force today. Over the coming weeks, I am allowed to work 2 or 3 days per week, up to 4 hours per day...so much as I can handle, really. Though in practice, this will amount to one full day of work per week, as I will be at the mercy of him from whom I can secure a ride, I should also be able to work in limited doses from home, developing control software for a device we've been constructing over the months since I've been here.

I can say that, though at the moment I am fairly fogged in the head from exhaustion, I am glad that I made the call to return to work. It's been nice to have a full day's distraction from the usual concerns of chemo and cancer. I have to believe that any boost in my mental health can only be a positive when it comes to my physical health as well.

Speaking of...we are now nearly 1 week removed from my second cycle of the carboplatin/taxol combo. And I can say, given the usual caveats about the crudeness of the "measurements", that it certainly appears the treatment continues to work. I have a tumor in my right lung, towards the bottom, which is noticeably smaller to the touch. Further, I have not had to use my "bolus" button to increase my pain medication so frequently today as I had the previous several days.

Next treatment is scheduled for January 2...this may be pushed back a day or three, depending on just how and when I get back to Knoxville after spending Christmas in Chicago with the family. I'll certainly try to get back on time to stay on schedule...but we'll have to see.

Update, 12/14/2007

Yesterday marked the second cycle on the taxol/carboplatin regimen. As much as I hate the week of a treatment, I was very much excited to be allowed to go ahead this week, after last week's delay due to low platelet count. My platelets had risen into the "normal" range (not simply into the "treatable" range)...let's hope they stay that way. In addition to receiving chemo, I got a couple of units of blood, as once again we found my red-cell count to be low. I have no good answer as to why my red-cell counts are so consistently low, other than to appeal to the beating my marrow has taken over the past year plus in treatments of all kinds. If I slip just a bit in my iron and vitamin supplements, it seems my counts can get away from me. Just gotta stay on top of all these things, I guess.

One reason I was especially eager to get back into treatment is that I could feel, seemingly, the tumors beginning to once again get away from me as well. I don't know how accurate this "feeling" is, but I felt my pain increase slightly, and overall my body simply ached more as the past week went along. At the end of the day, it's always best to stay on top of the treatment cycle, so much as possible.

A Happy Advent Season to you all!

Fantasy football!

As one season comes to its merciful end, another season begins anew! After falling this past weekend 89 - 55 to Corporeal Punishment in the first round of the losers bracket of the Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Football League, Rodent Passion faces Popeye's Nephews in the Toilet Bowl to determine who provides tasty beverages at next season's opening draft party. Rodent Passion must at this point be considered the "favorite" to lose...and given my taste in beer, it looks like I'll have an expensive day in August facing me.

Meanwhile, Monkey Knife Fight got back on track after a brief losing spell, winning 150 - 105 over Space Family Robinson in Great Pigskin Experiment action. Next weekend, we're all 0 - 0, entering the play-offs! MKF faces the Eighteen Grands in opening week action, and should be considered the favorites to advance to the next round.

A preliminary thought on hope

I was hoping to start today with some reflections on Benedict XVI's encyclical On Christian Hope. I have finished reading it through once, and figure to begin re-reading soon, offering thoughts and room for discussion as we go. But before we get started there, I wanted to share a funny thought from Charles Peguy's The Portal of the Mystery of Hope (thanks, John), an extended free-verse theological poem:

And you say: This little Hope has tricked me again.
I never should've trusted her. It's the twentieth time that she's tricked me.
(Earthly) wisdom is not her strong point.
I will never believe her again. (You will believe her again, you will always believe her).
I'll never get taken in again. -- Fools that you are.

Peguy presents Hope as a little girl, the younger sister to the mature and serene Faith and Charity. Hope is impetuous, running backwards and forwards and in circles, getting us to chase her all over, running seemingly the same paths again and again. Paths that appear, at least to us, always (or often) to end in human/earthly disappointment. I know that I have felt this way about hope often of late. I find myself second guessing my decisions -- why did I go to Germany? Why did I come to Knoxville? If I'd given any consideration to what was prudent, I'd have stayed near my friends and family in Chicago or in Washington, DC, so that, in times such as these, where I'm feeling a bit scared and unsure of my future, I could have their support and comfort. But each decision made was the hopeful decision -- I wanted to believe I was cured of my cancer when I went to Germany. I wanted to believe we had a few years of fighting before we might have to worry about running out of treatment options, making Knoxville a good move rather than staying in DC with a temporary position. But in each case, I find myself struggling...more alone than I'd like to be (though thankfully, never fully alone). I find myself making the same promises, to never believe that "little Hope" again...though I know, if given the opportunity, I would. It's who I am. I want to hope...to believe for the best. One day, I am convinced, the true Hope will prove worthwhile...the eternal Hope that Benedict XVI writes about in his encyclical. But until then, I will be disappointed, as often as not, in moves in the here and now, which can never satisfy as we long to be satisfied.

"It's smaller, I'm sorry to say..."

"You're 'sorry to say'?" I thinks to myself.

"You were right, and I was wrong."

We had what was both an encouraging and discouraging moment this morning with my local oncologist. He found himself admitting to being disappointed that the tumor on my right side, by what was admittedly a very crude measurement, appeared to be smaller. Obviously an encouraging moment, as our hope remains that a return to the Carboplatin/Taxol combo will control my cancer outside of the liver, allowing us to treat the liver by other means. But what do we make of his open disappointment in being wrong? He'd resisted this return, only reluctantly going back to it on my insistence. When his ego allows him to verbalize such disappointment while our mutual goal should be my improved health, what am I to do? In the end, I choose to make little of it. He has a necessary part to play in my ongoing treatment, though for important decisions, I will lean more on Dr. Mulcahy at Northwestern. I am glad that I have come to know enough about my body and what has worked and what has not, so that I could insist on a treatment over my doctor's "better judgment". I worry for those who either do not pay enough attention to their care, trusting their doctors to be driven by the well-being of the patient, or for those who may know well enough, but fear to speak up in opposition to one with the word "doctor" before their name. The lesson remains for all -- as a patient, you have more responsibility for your health than your doctor. It's a difficult burden to bear when sick, when all you want to do is to put yourself completely into the hands of an expert who will make all the right decisions in order to make you well. Unfortunately, our doctors are human, with limitations in knowledge and/or in character, limitations that we must be ready to overcome as well as we are able.

As said, though, very preliminary results from this return to carbo/taxol look good. My pain is modestly reduced, and the near-surface tumors appear (by the 'aforementioned crude measurement) smaller. We remain hopeful that our current course may yet lead us to stable disease soon. I was initially to begin my second treatment cycle today, but a measurement of my platelets showed them low, so we postpone till next week.

I am hopeful that I may begin working again soon. I am feeling better mentally as I can reduce my pain killers. I don't know that I have strength to put in a full week at the lab, but I am talking to my colleagues about perhaps working some from home on computer control of some of our apparatus, while perhaps putting in a day or two during the week on-site. Perhaps in time, that "day or two" can be extended.

Fantasy football!

Sadness among squirrels everywhere, as Rodent Passion, after a blistering 4 - 0 start, ends an injury plagued season at 5 - 7 and out of the play-offs. The final game, a 97 - 84 loss to Man Boobs, featured a strong run game, with both starters and three back-ups producing double digit efforts, but the wide receiver corps that carried us early failed to produce a touchdown. There is optimism in the land of the ground hog, as RP will be receiving the first pick in our rookie/free-agent draft next year (welcome to the team, Darren McFadden!), and the running back depth might be used to re-load at WR. Hope, even in the seemingly trivial such as fantasy football, is a good thing.

In Great Pigskin Experiment action, Monkey Knife Fight found themselves on the losing end for a third straight week, after a 149 - 67 shellacking at the hands of the SlopChoppy Express. A better mood prevails here, however, as the play-offs remain attainable. In spite of our 6 - 7 record, a win next week against the hapless Space Family Robinson puts us in the play-offs. Go Monkeys!

Spe Salvi

On Christian Hope. That's the title of the new encyclical by Pope Benedict XVI, the full text of which can be found here. The title strikes me as incredibly relevant to what I am going through right now, leaving me really excited about reading through it. I'm hoping to do so over the coming weeks, perhaps offering some thoughts along the way. I'd really love it if others out there would also be interested in reading along, perhaps commenting on my comments (in the comments section of this blog). It prints out at some 28 pages of text and sources, making it short enough to read through, then go back and pick it apart. Thoughts? Who's in? We'll say first post to come next weekend (December 8 or 9).

There are doctors, and then...

...and then there are doctors who also are scientists. At the current time, I am thankful to have such a one as this on my team right now in Dr. Mulcahy. The difference, as I see it, is that the scientist is much more willing to think outside the "standard book of treatments", to try things that maybe haven't been tried before if there's a chance they might work to either improve the quality or quantity of my life.

So, mom and I went downtown today to visit with Dr. Mulcahy, and to discuss what options are available given the state of things. The first bit of news, I suppose, is that we will not change our current track. I have had the one treatment of carboplatin/taxol, and have seen some very priliminary "results" in the slight reduction of my pain and softening of my near-surface tumors. If a later CT scan (to be scheduled for sometime after my next treatment) shows that this chemotherapy continues to work everywhere outside the liver, we will go ahead and consider options such as the Theraspheres (discussed in previous posts) for treatment inside the liver.

The second bit of news is that, as Dr. Mulcahy says, there are always other chemo options. It simply depends on how far off the beaten track one is willing to go. The thing is, there's not much of a "beaten track" where appendix cancer is concerned, it being so very rare. But there are several drugs that we might consider trying, should the carboplatin/taxol combo begin to fail us. And perhaps, these drugs might work in the liver...though for the moment, we will probably try and continue the current track, as something that appears more likely to produce results.

What's more, Dr. Mulcahy has good things to say about the program at Vanderbilt, just 3 hours from my home in Knoxville. They have a very active program in clinical trials, which may be an option in the very near future. One interesting thing she had to say is that there may be ways to get on a trial targeted for another cancer, if I can make some sort of "humanitarian use" case. This is to say, if there are colon cancer trials out there that we think promising for my appendix cancer, we might be able to write the producer of the drug, and see if they might approve of its one-time use on something other than colon cancer. To get to that stage, though, I have to get myself into the system at Vanderbilt, a process I expect to begin next week.

Fantasy football!

Another rough week for our beloved fantasy football programs. Rodent Passion finds themselves, after a promising 4 - 0 start, on the verge of being eliminated from the play-offs...the longest of long shots, facing our league's most formidable line-up (the powerful Man Boobs) while in a 4-way tie for the final play-off spot (behind in every conceivable tie-breaker). This after a difficult loss to Lucky 1, 92 - 83, that could have been a victory with a few reasonable line-up alterations. Ah, but that's the trick. We must live with the decisions we make, and to second guess is a road to ruin. So while facing elimination, we look forward to next season's opening draft, and the possibility that Arkansas' electric tail-back Darren McFadden could be the new work-horse for a resurgent Rodent Passion.

Monkey Knife Fight also found themselves on the losing end, this time by a 151 - 119 decision to a resurgent Distorted View. Optimism reigns in the land of the angry monkeys, however, as we remain in strong play-off position, with a very good chance at coming home in the money this year.

It's not perfect, but it's good

Happy Thanksgiving, and greetings from the family homestead outside Chicago. Coming home is a wonderful thing, especially after the last month plus of being home alone not working. I'm feeling renewed -- in part from finally feeling some benefits from the radiation and chemo, in part from being among family and friends. One cannot underestimate the power of friendship for boosting the spirits and increasing one's joy for life.

I am reminded of that book on heaven I'd been reading, and some of the discussion/comments from before. Whatever else heaven is like, it is to be that place where every desire is satisfied, every pain quenched. Home is as near an approximation as I have in this life, and to have such an approximation leaves me feeling especially thankful today. I am convinced that our greatest desires are relational, that we are made to know and be known, to love and be loved. It is here where I am most known and loved, where I in turn know and love, more than anywhere else on earth. While anticipating heaven (perhaps soon, but not yet!) it is nice to know I have such a retreat.

A quick update, while I have your attention: I am feeling good, like I mentioned. I'd mentioned in a previous post that I was finally feeling some relief from my pain, thanks to the radiation treatment. Ten days after my first round of chemo, I can say (with some confidence, if not full confidence) that it is working again to reduce my pain still more. In what is now a pleasant surprise that should not be a surprise, I find that one week after resuming this chemo I feel better than I did before receiving the treatment in the first place. It always comes as a surprise, because of course the chemo leaves me feeling especially bad for a good seven days, before the side effects quite suddenly subside, leaving me, as I say, even better than I'd been before starting.

I see Dr. Mulcahy on Wednesday, and it will be nice to be armed with some preliminary, if qualitative, "results" from having resumed chemo. As I've mentioned, I hope to speak with her about, among other things, the so-called Theraspheres treatment. Researching the Theraspheres this morning, I stumbled upon a little video here. Presents a nice summary of what the treatment is like, better than I could put into words, or than you might get from reading their web page. The emphasis in the video (and on the web page) seems to be on cancers originating in the liver, but I have been told that the treatment also works on metastatic disease from other places. They also mention that up to 25% of folks receiving the treatment experience a significant tumor response. The odds may not be that great, but I think I'm due for a break. Here's to hope -- for this life, and the next.

Prayer of the day

May all transitory things, O Lord,
be worthless to me
and may all things eternal
be ever cherished by me.

May any joy without You
be burdensome for me
and may I not desire anything else
besides You.

Continuing the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas, For Ordering a Life Wisely, last installment here.

A modest update, 11/20/2007

There's not a lot to say in this week's update. We did finish our radiation treatments, the last one coming on Monday. I suppose there is this to say: in the end, there were some modest signs that the radiation had a positive effect on my tumors. I have significantly increased motion in my left leg/hip, and there does seem to be slight improvement in my pain in the lower back. However, the pain in my side has been increasing as we have not treated it, and my overall pain level remains around the same.

I began chemo last Thursday, with the carboplatin/taxol combo. The effects are as I remember them -- I feel a bit queezy for several days following the treatment, and a bit tired, but am pulling out of that now. In the past, I have felt near-immediate (within a couple weeks) positive effect on my pain levels and tumors near the surface. Still nothing to report, but I will post as soon as I notice anything.

One curious thing with this most recent treatment...a reminder that the insurance company is hardly my friend. I ended up receiving my treatment at the hospital rather than at the oncology clinic. This because, for reasons beyond me, the insurance company was unwilling to pay the rates for the drugs available to the oncology clinic, while they had no problem paying the rates at the hospital. Part of the reason for this is that this combo (in spite of its success in treating my cancer) is not listed on the insurance company's list of "approved" regimens. I had brief concerns that they were going to refuse the treatment altogether, but thankfully this did not happen. I fear the day that the insurance company does refuse me treatment...my cancer being fairly rare, and the list of "approved" treatments likely small, slowly varying, with little room for modification on behalf of my doctors...it seems a reasonable fear. And yet, there's nothing to be done about it, so while I will be aware of the possibility, I will not let it bring me down.

Fantasy football!

Ugh. What a rotten week for football. I think it's time to call it a season for my Bears, 30 - 23 losers to the Seattle Seahawks this past weekend. What the heck happened to this team? Just a few months ago, I was praising them as a well constructed juggernaught, with questions at QB and RB alone. Now the questions go up and down the line-up, into the coaching staff and front office. The hope now is that they get a high enough draft pick to get one of the top 3 QBs coming out next year (Woodson from Kentucky, Ryan from Boston College, Brohm from Louisville), take a RB to move Benson's butt out of the way (or at least complement him as did Thomas Jones), and then completely re-vamp the OL. And hope the defense comes back healthy and with a better attitude next year.

Both of our beloved fantasy teams suffered losses this week as well, Rodent Passion falling 100 - 61 to Corporeal Punishment, Monkey Knife Fight 152 - 112 to the Sunrise Stingers. It hurts too much to talk about it. Here's hoping some lovin' from the family (along with some turkey and stuffin' and cranberry sauce and such) improves my mood next week.

Congrats Laura and Jeff!

Good friends Laura and Jeff head down to Guatemala to get their newly adopted son, David Carlos. Laura is also several months pregnant with another boy -- twin boys the hard way! Congratulations on both counts to Laura and Jeff. God's blessings on you both, and on the little guys!

Another modest update, 11/13/2007

I spoke today with Dr. Grapski, my local medical oncologist. I'm starting chemo on Thursday -- back to the carboplatin/taxol combo that I'd been pushing for. Seems Dr. Grapski is not so worried about conflicts between this chemo regimen and the radiation, so we'll go ahead and finish off the radiation through Monday, too. As far as I'm concerned, that's fine -- it does seem the radiation is finally doing something, so the more we can throw at these guys, the better. Depending on how things go, perhaps we go ahead and zap the side tumor with radiation when I get back to town after Thanksgiving. That'll be something to talk to Dr. Meyer (the local radiation oncologist) about tomorrow.

So why the sudden agreement to do chemo and radiation at the same time? Well, he was thinking of putting me on a different chemo regimen. It was a little aggravating...though I should cut him a little slack...but he was going to suggest I start irinotecan/erbitux. Which I took from last August through April. Cutting him some slack, at no point did I take that here, so I can understand if he'd overlooked it. For all of my moves, I have to stay on top of these things, and can't count on my doctor to be as much on top of them as I am. The problem with irinotecan/erbitux with radiation is that both can induce big diarrhea issues, and he didn't want to double up on that possibility (especially given the problems with dehydration I'd had before). It's less an issue with the carbo/taxol.

I'm relieved. As always, when we get started on something new (or start something again), it's a time of excitement and optimism. Here's hoping that the combo of chemo and radiation beat back the tumors and my pain, and open the door for treating the liver by itself, by other means.

Prayer of the day

May I not rejoice in anything
unless it leads me to You;
may I not be saddened by anything
unless it turns me from You.

May I desire to please no one,
nor fear to displease anyone,
but You.

Continuing yet again the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas, For Ordering a Life Wisely, from here.

Fantasy football!

We come to the end of another glorious week of NFL football -- God's favorite sport -- with Monkey Knife Fight continuing to ride what is now a 5-game winning streak, victorious this week over the St. Pete Pinheads 103 - 76. MKF now sits comfortably at 6 - 4, in second place in the Autobots division of The Great Pigskin Experiment, with a match-up against the first place Sunrise Stingers looming. With byes now complete, we will see what our full-strength squad is made of.

You'll notice that at the start of the year, I would begin my updates with the tails of triumph of Rodent Passion. This was for two reasons: first, I have a greater emotional investment in RP, they being my "dynasty" team, the players on which I keep from year-to-year. Second, RP started quite strong, and I find I like talking about my successes before talking about the failures. I would never have figured myself for such a person -- I've usually been a "eat my veggies first" kind of guy...as a kid, I would eat around the icing on a piece of birthday cake, enjoying several bites of NOTHING BUT ICING at the end. Tasty. I've been a delayed-gratification guy by nature. And yet, I ramble about my fantasy football success before my struggles...why is this? I haven't noticed the same pattern in my health updates...I'll have to take a look and see...

All of which stands as prologue to RP's performance this week. Which is actually still in question -- as I write, RP stands with a modest 66 - 60 lead over The Headhunters, who still have Bobby Engram to play for the Seattle Seahawks in tonight's match-up versus San Francisco. If Engram is kept to fewer than 60 yards and no TDs (a 50/50 or worse proposition), RP rights the ship in time for the full recovery of its players and the end of the dreaded bye-weeks -- just in time to make a late run for the play-offs. Last weekend, we consummated a trade of Andre Johnson for Clinton Portis with Corporeal Punishment, which should strengthen our running attack though leaving us vulnerable at WR, should Roy Williams, Anquan Boldin, or Deion Branch suffer yet another slump or late injury.

Edit (post-MNF game): Bobby Engram was held to 53 yards, meaning RP defeats The Headhunters by a final of 66 - 65. Woo hoo!

I am confident that in MKF I have one of the top three teams in The Great Pigskin Experiment, and have a strong chance of finishing in the money. In RP, I have a team that could finish in the "toilet bowl", struggling to avoid the responsibility to provide tasty beverages for next season's draft party, as easily as it could finish in the money. The fun begins now!

A modest update, 11/12/2007

There's not a great deal to say today, but as promised last week, I'll give a quick run-down on how I'm feeling, and what we're considering. As of today, I've finished 15 radiation treatments on my left hip and tail-bone. And near as I can tell, there is little changed -- for better or worse -- on these tumors. I still feel no real side effects (that's good!) but no real decrease in my pain (that's bad). There are some indications that maybe, just maybe, we're seeing something happen with the tumor at my tail-bone...but the signs are difficult to read, and still more difficult to try and describe here.

I'm planning on tomorrow chatting up Dr. Grapksi, the local medical oncologist, about resuming chemo -- going back to the carboplatin/taxol combo that I like so much. In addition to my experience with this treatment -- that it seemed to keep the pain under control, while softening up or shrinking the near-surface tumors I can feel beneath my skin -- the timing is good. That is, it's a one-every-three-week cycle, so I can make a trip home for Thanksgiving and my consult with Dr. Mulcahy at Northwestern without interrupting the normal treatment cycle.

Next update will come soon, I suppose, with word as to whether or not I'll be starting chemo sooner rather than later.

Veteran's Day

I wasn't planning any reflections on Veteran's Day...not that anyone would expect one from me, someone who has never served in the military, and has few friends who have. I guess I am inspired out of the blue, recalling having read just over a year ago the anti-war classic All's Quiet on the Western Front. The work is an intense account of one soldier's experience on the front lines during WWI, on the losing side. The author details the relentless brutality of war, as one is changed through the experience, to endure, endure, endure...against all odds, with little that might be called "hope". The life of the soldier during that war consisted entirely of fighting and surviving. Moments of quiet were celebrated, and transition to chaos was as natural as the rising of the new sun.

I found myself, in reading the book, relating in many ways to the soldier. Both of our experiences are terribly lonely -- just as one who has not struggled with cancer cannot understand my struggles, nor can I (or anyone else) understand the struggles of those facing the horrors of war. The discovery of perseverance -- the ability to endure such horrors, which, had we been presented them prior to our experiences, we surely would have rejected the notion that we could so endure.

Many endure terrible suffering, but the intensity of the suffering of war or cancer...the relentlessness of our opponent...goes beyond what is considered "normal" suffering. It cannot help but change us...but in what ways? Does it make us better human beings? I believe (and have mentioned this elsewhere) that we can choose to answer in the affirmative.

To all those who have endured the horrors of war, I salute you. My prayers are with you, and I thank you for yours.