Prayer of the day

May I not rejoice in anything
unless it leads me to You;
may I not be saddened by anything
unless it turns me from You.

May I desire to please no one,
nor fear to displease anyone,
but You.

Continuing yet again the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas, For Ordering a Life Wisely, from here.

Fantasy football!

We come to the end of another glorious week of NFL football -- God's favorite sport -- with Monkey Knife Fight continuing to ride what is now a 5-game winning streak, victorious this week over the St. Pete Pinheads 103 - 76. MKF now sits comfortably at 6 - 4, in second place in the Autobots division of The Great Pigskin Experiment, with a match-up against the first place Sunrise Stingers looming. With byes now complete, we will see what our full-strength squad is made of.

You'll notice that at the start of the year, I would begin my updates with the tails of triumph of Rodent Passion. This was for two reasons: first, I have a greater emotional investment in RP, they being my "dynasty" team, the players on which I keep from year-to-year. Second, RP started quite strong, and I find I like talking about my successes before talking about the failures. I would never have figured myself for such a person -- I've usually been a "eat my veggies first" kind of guy...as a kid, I would eat around the icing on a piece of birthday cake, enjoying several bites of NOTHING BUT ICING at the end. Tasty. I've been a delayed-gratification guy by nature. And yet, I ramble about my fantasy football success before my struggles...why is this? I haven't noticed the same pattern in my health updates...I'll have to take a look and see...

All of which stands as prologue to RP's performance this week. Which is actually still in question -- as I write, RP stands with a modest 66 - 60 lead over The Headhunters, who still have Bobby Engram to play for the Seattle Seahawks in tonight's match-up versus San Francisco. If Engram is kept to fewer than 60 yards and no TDs (a 50/50 or worse proposition), RP rights the ship in time for the full recovery of its players and the end of the dreaded bye-weeks -- just in time to make a late run for the play-offs. Last weekend, we consummated a trade of Andre Johnson for Clinton Portis with Corporeal Punishment, which should strengthen our running attack though leaving us vulnerable at WR, should Roy Williams, Anquan Boldin, or Deion Branch suffer yet another slump or late injury.

Edit (post-MNF game): Bobby Engram was held to 53 yards, meaning RP defeats The Headhunters by a final of 66 - 65. Woo hoo!

I am confident that in MKF I have one of the top three teams in The Great Pigskin Experiment, and have a strong chance of finishing in the money. In RP, I have a team that could finish in the "toilet bowl", struggling to avoid the responsibility to provide tasty beverages for next season's draft party, as easily as it could finish in the money. The fun begins now!

A modest update, 11/12/2007

There's not a great deal to say today, but as promised last week, I'll give a quick run-down on how I'm feeling, and what we're considering. As of today, I've finished 15 radiation treatments on my left hip and tail-bone. And near as I can tell, there is little changed -- for better or worse -- on these tumors. I still feel no real side effects (that's good!) but no real decrease in my pain (that's bad). There are some indications that maybe, just maybe, we're seeing something happen with the tumor at my tail-bone...but the signs are difficult to read, and still more difficult to try and describe here.

I'm planning on tomorrow chatting up Dr. Grapksi, the local medical oncologist, about resuming chemo -- going back to the carboplatin/taxol combo that I like so much. In addition to my experience with this treatment -- that it seemed to keep the pain under control, while softening up or shrinking the near-surface tumors I can feel beneath my skin -- the timing is good. That is, it's a one-every-three-week cycle, so I can make a trip home for Thanksgiving and my consult with Dr. Mulcahy at Northwestern without interrupting the normal treatment cycle.

Next update will come soon, I suppose, with word as to whether or not I'll be starting chemo sooner rather than later.

Veteran's Day

I wasn't planning any reflections on Veteran's Day...not that anyone would expect one from me, someone who has never served in the military, and has few friends who have. I guess I am inspired out of the blue, recalling having read just over a year ago the anti-war classic All's Quiet on the Western Front. The work is an intense account of one soldier's experience on the front lines during WWI, on the losing side. The author details the relentless brutality of war, as one is changed through the experience, to endure, endure, endure...against all odds, with little that might be called "hope". The life of the soldier during that war consisted entirely of fighting and surviving. Moments of quiet were celebrated, and transition to chaos was as natural as the rising of the new sun.

I found myself, in reading the book, relating in many ways to the soldier. Both of our experiences are terribly lonely -- just as one who has not struggled with cancer cannot understand my struggles, nor can I (or anyone else) understand the struggles of those facing the horrors of war. The discovery of perseverance -- the ability to endure such horrors, which, had we been presented them prior to our experiences, we surely would have rejected the notion that we could so endure.

Many endure terrible suffering, but the intensity of the suffering of war or cancer...the relentlessness of our opponent...goes beyond what is considered "normal" suffering. It cannot help but change us...but in what ways? Does it make us better human beings? I believe (and have mentioned this elsewhere) that we can choose to answer in the affirmative.

To all those who have endured the horrors of war, I salute you. My prayers are with you, and I thank you for yours.

On further reflection

It is patience that governs our response to the "times of adversity" mentioned below in our continued reflection on the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas, For Ordering a Life Wisely. As St. Thomas quotes St. Augustine in his Summa Theolgica, "a man's patience it is whereby he bears evil with an equal mind, lest he abandon with an unequal mind the goods whereby he may advance to better things."

I quickly wondered, "what is the virtue that governs our response to the 'times of prosperity'?" I think it is in part governed by the virtue of humility. St. Thomas writes again, "a twofold virtue is necessary with regard to the difficult good: one to temper and strengthen the mind, lest it tend to high things immoderately; and this belongs to the virtue of humility." I'm not sure that this is quite it, though...and want to consider this more.

Still, it is clear that there is danger in either prosperity or adversity, and we pray for virtue to be happy in either state. Because as is well known, there are many quite wealthy folks who are unhappy in their excess, and there are many in poverty who demonstrate an uncommon joy. So clearly, happiness is not to be found in either material state, but in the state of our soul.

Prayer of the day

Grant unto me, O Lord my God,
that I may not falter in times
of prosperity or adversity,
so that I may not be exalted in the former,
nor dejected in the latter.

Our third installment of the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas, For Ordering a Life Wisely, continued from here. When the circumstances of our lives are such that things go well, we are tempted to presume that we are either deserving or in control. Likewise, when circumstances are such that things go poorly, we are tempted to despair, to lose hope of ever knowing good again. In this case, we may give up trying at all. Both views are a mistake. I discovered early in my struggle with cancer -- when so many things I once presumed to be part of my life abandoned me (my health, my good relationships, the surety of my career path) -- that there is so much beyond my control. This is not to say that we can do nothing to keep such things in good order...just that our efforts alone cannot keep them so. We recall the "Serenity Prayer" of Reinhold Niebuhr:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

The well ordered person struggles to grow in this wisdom.

What I'm reading

For the longest time, my reading list has consisted primarily of classic literature (Dostoevsky, etc.), classics in Catholic or Christian thought (St. Catherine of Sienna, St. Terese of Lisieux, etc.), or classics in Philosophy (Plato, Thomas Aquinas). Contemporary stuff, or anything "light", rarely made my list. I wanted to lighten up a bit, so I asked my brother to lend me a stack of his books from the Star Wars collection -- stories of characters from the movies (or not) within the Star Wars Universe, but not necessarily directly connected to any of the movies.

I've really been enjoying them -- and am finding I can make them as "heavy" as I want, which is fun. Understanding where the authors take the Philosophy behind the Force, for example, has been neat. From the books I've read, it's not so much a battle of "good vs. evil" as it is a battle of two sides of a "pragmatic" coin. Now, I can't say as I'm all that familiar with contemporary "pragmatic" philosophy, but I imagine it might be represented in a popularized way here. Those who follow the Dark Side, for example, are driven by selfish power -- one is happy the more power one possesses and the more control one wields over others. Happiness here might be the wrong word, since one who follows the Dark Side must always look over his shoulder for another who might take away his power. Those who follow the Light Side believe that happiness is found when others also are made happy -- if I live the virtuous life and encourage others to do the same, then all are happy, myself above all. I use my power for the good of others, for "selfish" gain in-so-far as the good of others is also my own. Neither side is driven by an absolute idea of "good" or "evil", but by their pragmatic understanding of what will make them happy.

I've lately wondered about how such a philosophy of ethics would be developed -- groundless except by the collective life experiences of myself and others. I suppose it's out there...perhaps some day I'll find it and read it. One I'm ready to be "heavy" again.

Fantasy football!

As the saying goes, he who lives by Addai will also die by Addai. And so it goes with my Fantasy Football teams this past weekend. The Monkey Knife Fight absolutely mauled the Eighteen Grands in Great Pigskin Experiment action, by a final score of 140 - 91, lead by Indianapolis Colts running back Joseph Addai, who ran for 112 yards, caught passes for 114 yards, and had a touchdown by both means. Though the Colts lost, the glory of Fantasy Football should allow Addai to rejoice that he led any number of fake teams to victory yesterday. MKF sits at 5 - 4, a modest record, but one that puts us in position to make a strong play-of run, which is all we ask.

Like, for instance, Coveropolis, who, in Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Football League action, defeated a reeling Rodent Passion by a final score of 125 - 36. That, my friends, is ugly. In R'n'R regular scoring, Addai himself accounted for 34 of the 125 points accrued by the Covoropolians -- nearly enough to defeat Rodent Passion by himself. RP sits at 4 -5, also a modest record. But one that tells the story of 2 teams -- the one that started 4 - 0, the other that has continued at 0 - 5. Our season of promise is quickly sinking into a season of disaster, unless our guys return healthy and strong relatively quickly.

A modest update, 11/5/2007

It occurs to me that my last update may have sounded a bit worried. And I must admit that I find myself worried far more often these days than I have for much of my ordeal. With some reason, I suppose.

That said, it is in no wise necessary that we be so very concerned. At least, not because of the pain. The tumors that cause my pain are, at the end of the day, mostly nuisances. I don't believe them to be deadly, really, though they make life tough on the day to day. It remains the case that the tumors in my liver are of greatest concern, and these are the ones on which future treatments will primarily focus (as they have been the driving motivation for changing treatments through the summer). The good news (such as it is) is that my liver tumors remain of modest size (relatively speaking -- they are small in comparison to my abdominal tumors, and, more importantly, small in volume compared to the size of my liver). It is also true that they are treatable with modern techniques (with theraspheres, for example). So I will carry my pain so long as it is necessary, not getting worked up about it, looking forward to attacking the bad boys in the liver as soon as we are allowed.

Prayer of the day

Grant that I may know
what you require me to do.

Bestow upon me
the power to accomplish your will,
as is necessary and fitting
for the salvation of my soul.

This is the next stanza of the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas For Ordering a Life Wisely, began here a few days ago. To ask of God what he requires of me has often been difficult. It seems I can be sure of what he requires of everyone, not just me -- that I pursue the life of goodness and virtue, striving to love as he gives example (in the giving of his life). I suppose these days, my particular task is easier to determine than it ever may have been -- that I carry my cancer well, that I allow my pain and suffering to change me, make me more understanding of the suffering of all, more giving with what I have (knowing that of what I have, I can claim no real "ownership" or "right" to it -- health, wealth, worldly happiness being so very fleeting). I trust that my salvation is being worked out primarily in how I handle myself through my cancer -- and not just how I handle my troubles, but how I respond to the troubles of others as I carry my own (God, grant that I never become so obsessed with my own struggles that I fail to see the troubles of my neighbor!).

St. Thomas gives us the key to carrying our responsibilities well -- which is that we ask strength from Him Who requires these things of us. He provides the opportunity for good, the strength to do it, and then rewards the doing. All good comes from Him, though we are invited to participate in His work.

Update, 11/3/2007

I didn't really expect to provide an update any time soon. At least, not till I had something bigger to share. However, I was prodded for an update by a friend, and it occurs to me that even in the absence of big news, the regular update on how I'm feeling would probably be welcomed by many. So, here's what I shared with my friend:

I'm still not able to get back to work, as I'm still in a lot of pain -- it hasn't eased yet with the radiation. This was to be expected. At least, they told me it would be at least 2 weeks before I'd feel anything. We're just at the 2 week mark...so hopefully, soon.

Finances and benefits are in good shape. I'm on short-term disability through work -- it's not a federal program, but part of my work benefits package. It's pretty nice -- I'm paid at my full salary for 5 weeks if needed, at 80% for another 5 weeks, then at 60% for 10. If I can manage to fit in another 2 weeks of work in there, I actually earn another week for each of the 1st 2 stages, another 4 for the 3rd stage -- the full benefit kicks in when you've worked at the lab for 6 months...I'd been there 5.5 before taking off.

I really can't say just when I'll be back to work, though I hope it's soon after Thanksgiving. It really depends on what we decide to do next in my treatment, which will be determined when I see Dr. Mulcahy at Northwestern, scheduled now for the Wednesday after Thanksgiving.

It's tough. While we're treating just the 2 tumors that are the likely sources of pain in my leg and tail-bone, I can almost feel the tumors growing elsewhere in my abdomen...in my side, and in my front along the vertical incision from my surgeries. I hate waiting to treat those, but there's no real choice -- though perhaps one of them (the one on my right side) could be added to those we currently treat with radiation. I'll be bringing that up with my radiation oncologist this week.

Thanks to all for your continued concern. I'll try and keep a weekly update on how I'm doing/feeling -- it's probably good for me to keep up running reflections, and I appreciate the concern so many of you hold for me.

Prayer of the day

O merciful God, grant that I may
desire ardently,
search prudently,
recognize truly,
and bring to perfect completion
whatever is pleasing to You
for the praise and glory of Your name.

Put my life in good order, O my God.

This is the opening stanza of the prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas, For Ordering a Life Wisely, which Thomas is said to have recited daily before the image of Christ. As often as I can remember to do so, I do the same. Over the coming days (or weeks, depending on how often I get to it), I will provide the rest of the prayer, bit-by-bit. Often, the brief stanzas make enough of a stand-alone prayer...if but a whisper of a prayer, still a noble aspiration. Some time ago, as I entered the Catholic Church, a good friend -- with whom I have, regrettably, lost touch (God's blessing be upon you, wherever you are, Toyin) -- gifted me The Aquinas Prayer Book, containing many prayers, from which I have learned how to pray for the best things. Perhaps my good readers will be as blessed as I have been by this one.

Fantasy football!

Rodent Passion now finds itself 4 - 4, with a four-week losing streak in tow, thanks to yet another defeat (this time at the hands of Ethos, 90 - 60) of a line-up dominated by rookies and castaways. The good news is that our long, injury-riddled, tunnel looks to be coming to its merciful end, as Laurence Maroney, Deion Branch, Anquan Boldin, and Andre Johnson return from their respective injuries. With the surprising rise of Denver tight end Tony Scheffler, RP has a chance to regain its early season dominance just in time for the play-offs.

Meanwhile, Monkey Knife Fight has ripped off three consecutive convincing victories, most recently by the score of 146 - 62 over the Lazerphiles. As has been the case all year with MKF, we got balanced scoring all around, though we are pleased with another surprise in the play of New England WR Wes Welker, taking the lead in what was already expected to be a strong WR corps.

Use me

I had wanted to look up all sorts of references on this, to encourage myself and my readers who share my faith. Perhaps I may yet, but I wanted to put this out there sooner rather than later, and at the moment, I don't know that I have the energy to do the kind of formal study that I'd really have in mind.

What I am offering is this: please, friends, let me pray for you. Our Lord's was a life of suffering, and he applied this suffering to our spiritual benefit. Those of us who follow him and are called to suffer are invited to participate in his suffering, and I am convinced that God may empower my earthly suffering to my spiritual gain and the spiritual gain of those for whom I pray.

I know that people are hesitant to burden me with their troubles, figuring that I may just have troubles enough of my own. Yet as I have become aware that people really do want to help me -- and I have to be humble and let them, for both our goods, fighting every instinct in my body that suggests I can do it myself -- I hope people will let me help them. I trust that my prayers, at this time, as I suffer and share my sufferings with Our Lord, sharing also in his, may just carry a weight beyond what they may at other times and places. Please, let me pray for you.

A content Sebastian

I'd never observed this behavior before, in any cat I've known. But Sebastian seems to enjoy kneading, where he'll press alternately with his paws on whatever soft surface is nearby -- usually either my lap or a small blanket. Actually, I've successfully convinced him to use the blanket rather than my lap, seeing as he's still got his claws, and his kneading of my leg was getting rather painful. It is apparently a sign that he's pretty happy with how things are. He certainly purrs quite loudly as he does it.

I've often thought I have a way with God's stupid creatures -- animals, babies, certain women (wait, did I say that out loud?). Yeah, we've become buds. I like having the little guy around. :)

Radiation update, 10/26/2007

I have now completed 4 of my scheduled 20 radiation treatments. So far, I'm feeling nothing at all -- good or bad. No reduction in my pain, but no evidence of side effects, either. They say I shouldn't expect much by way of pain reduction until I've completed at least 2 weeks of treatments, so I suppose patience, as it often is, is the word of the day.

In the meantime, I have not been back to work in the last two weeks. My pains reached a point where the prescribed medications were leaving me in a poor state for driving, much less for performing my work at any reasonable level. The good news here is that the benefits package at the lab is excellent, and I can claim a "short term disability" that will allow me to continue getting paid for a decent while. I can hope to return to work before this benefit is exhausted.

While I don't know exactly what comes next after the radiation, I am making some moves to help in the determination. We have pretty much exhausted the expertise available here in Knoxville, so I have set up an appointment for a consultation with my oncologist at Northwestern, Dr. Mulcahy. I will see her on the Monday after Thanksgiving (11/26/2007). My hope at that time is to convince her that (1) perhaps we can use the carboplatin/taxol combo one more time to control my cancer outside the liver while (2) using Theraspheres to treat my tumors in the liver. Unless she's got better ideas. It certainly seemed that this treatment was working everywhere outside the liver through the summer -- we changed only as we saw the liver tumors growing.

I suppose there's no demand for updates till I notice something -- here's hoping as soon as next week. All the best to all till then...

Quote of the day

There is cause for rejoicing here. You may for a time have to suffer the distress of many trials; but this is so that your faith, which is more precious than the passing splendor of fire-tried gold, may by its genuineness lead to praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ appears. Although you have never seen him, you love him, and without seeing you now believe in him, and rejoice with inexpressible joy touched with glory because you are achieving faith's goal, your salvation.

I Peter 1:6-9. The reading from tonight's Evening Prayer.

Fantasy football!

While sick, I couldn't find it in me to provide my weekly Fantasy Football update. With all apologies for those who waited impatiently last week, I will provide a mid-weekend update on the fortunes of both my beloved teams, Monkey Knife Fight and Rodent Passion.

Of course, those who read the comments will know that Rodent Passion fell to the hapless Popeye's Nephews (thanks, Steve) last week, while producing the lowest scoring output in our league's 3.5 year history, largely due to bye weeks and injuries to many of my top players. As those injuries continued to this week, RP fortunes look no better. Barring a super-human effort tonight by Jacksonville tight end Marcedes Lewis (say, his going for 150 yards and 3 TDs), RP will suffer its 3rd consecutive loss. Still on track for a play-off berth, but our players must get healthy (and stay off the weed) if RP is to recover from this slide.

MKF, meanwhile, is on a little run, thanks largely to the unexpected explosion of the fantasy powerhouse Wes Welker of the New England Patriots. He has produced 30+ points for MKF on consecutive weeks, helping to pull out an unlikely victory one week ago, and putting MKF in position for another this week. Heading into tonight's Monday Night Football game between Indianapolis and Jacksonville, MKF finds itself down 7 to the Brookside Bulldogs, with Indy RB Joseph Addai and Jacksonville TE Marcedes Lewis still to play. The Bulldogs counter with Jacksonville QB David Garrard. A close one that could go either way, I like our chances should Addai come back strong from his recent injury.

In football talk, unrelated to fantasy football, I find it interesting how often the subject of character in adversity arises. Just this morning, listening to Mike and Mike on ESPN radio, I don't recall who, but someone was making the comment that "adversity does not build character, it reveals it". I have seen variations on this theme in many contexts, but like I say, it comes up often in football. What do I think of this? Personally, I think both. I'll snoop through my copy of The Dialogue of St. Catherine of Sienna to get her agreement, but I am convinced that suffering both builds and reveals character. While we are born, I believe, with a certain supply of instinctual virtue (if such can really be said -- perhaps it's better to say we are inclined toward certain good behaviors naturally, while others we develop and choose), trials of all kinds -- whether cancer, or merely suffering through going to school as kids -- build in us wisdom, justice, fortitude, and temperance, if we choose. Later trials reveal the extent to which these virtues have blossomed, while allowing them further feed on which they will be nourished and grow.

I think to suggest that trial merely reveals character denies the very possibility that character may be developed. How else might character be developed except by trial? I suppose there are some, who by the exercise of their wills, grow in wisdom and the other virtues, without ever having to suffer trials. Most, however, have to be forced to grow, the way children are forced to go to school. And this "force" comes by way of the trials placed upon us by life.

Edit (10/24/07) to add the weekend's final scores:
MKF (3-4) 110 over Brookside Bulldogs 108
NP (4-3) 54 loses to KC Masterpiece 85

Update, 10/19/2007

First, my apologies for taking some time getting this one out. I had fully intended to post an update on Tuesday, after seeing Dr. Grapski, but between needing time to wrap my head around the latest news, meeting with a radiation oncologist yesterday (Thursday, October 18), and getting sick (I got knocked loopy starting Sunday evening...feeling near 100% only today), I'm only now getting around to this. Thanks for your patience.

So, from Tuesday we have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have likely located the sources of my pains in my back and left leg. There is a growing tumor near my tail-bone, roughly 7.5 cm in diameter, as well as another tumor (not sure the size) on my left leg, near the hip-joint. Yesterday's visit with the radiation oncologist was to discuss treatment of these. On Monday I return for a "mock" run of my treatment, when they will confirm that they have defined the proper trajectories for the different radiation beams used to attack my tumors -- coming in from multiple angles allows a greater concentration of radiation on the tumor versus healthy tissue. Then on Tuesday I begin for real, returning Monday through Friday for the next four weeks. After this time, continuation will be determined by (1) whether my pain is improved, (2) whether we see any regression of the tumor in a follow-up scan, and (3) the severity of any side-effects.

In the meantime, we will put aside chemotherapy, and this gets us to the "bad news" portion of our post. We have officially exhausted all chemotherapy options for the liver -- 4 nodules in the liver have seen an increase in size since my last scan, growing by as much as 1/3. Everywhere else (aside from the 2 causing my pain and the 4 in the liver) it appears my cancer is either stable or gone (though we can't say anything with certainly here), so that much is good. Treatment of liver tumors is notoriously difficult, though two techniques have emerged over the last several years that offer some promise. The first uses tiny beads filled with a radioactive element (going alternatively by the names "theraspheres" or "SIMspheres"), which are injected into the blood-stream on its way to the liver. These beads collect in the tumors and there deposit their energy, largely preserving healthy tissue. The second option goes under the name "gamma-knife" or "laser-knife". From what I gather (I have not yet read as much about this), this employs first a surgical procedure to open direct pathways into the liver, allowing laser- or gamma-radiation to then interact directly with the tumors. Both are minimally invasive, with low side-effects and seemingly high success rates, though with the disadvantage -- as with all radiation treatment -- that they interact only with the targeted tumors, and not with any smaller, unseen, tumor in the liver. If simply due to geography (it's offered at Vanderbilt, just 3 hours away and within my HMO region) my best bet will likely be with SIMspheres. I am still gathering information, and must decide when to pursue this. I can say this will wait till after the coming month or so of "standard' radiation treatment. Just how long we'll wait is still to be determined.

And that's about it, sports fans. While the news of Tuesday, that the Xeloda was not working in the liver, was no surprise, it was still a punch in the gut. It is so every time -- no matter how hard I try to prepare myself. Every reminder from the outside -- from a doctor, from a CT scan -- that my cancer is getting beyond the reach of chemo is a jolt. But we respond the same way every time -- we take the hit, and rise again. Life is worth living, at all stages, and so long as I have life within in me, I will fight for it. Thank you all, as always, for your thoughts, prayers, and all other forms of support.

More on Kreeft

In a recent e-mail sent to a friend, I included the following reflection inspired by reading that book on Heaven, by Peter Kreeft. Seemed worth sharing (after modest editing):

One speculation Kreeft brings out in his book is that in heaven, we will participate -- actually participate -- in the suffering of others on earth. I remember reading that and at first being almost jealous of my suffering -- it's mine, after all. How can anyone else be allowed to learn and grow from them when I was the one forced to suffer through them? And then, of course, with time to reflect, it occurred to me that this would be a good thing. First, for me (always starting selfishly...still starting selfishly...). I have seen or become aware of and become more sympathetic to so much suffering not my own over the past several years. As humans we all share the bond of suffering, though in different ways. I am convinced that this suffering is, ultimately, what shapes us most as human beings. If in heaven I am to be most fully human, it makes sense that I learn from the suffering of others -- I want this for myself. I suspect that if I share in the suffering of another, they do not suddenly become any less the suffering of that other -- I will wear my scars...my battle wounds from cancer...proudly in the next life, as will those who bear "scars" of other sorts, from their unique suffering. Secondly, we all desire to know and be known, love and be loved. If heaven is where we are truly most happy, it is where we will be most fully known, and where we most fully know.